Fun_People Archive
6 Dec
The Comedian's Eye View of 12-06-96

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri,  6 Dec 96 01:21:26 -0800
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View of 12-06-96

Excerpted-from: 12-06-96-- ShopTalk

                           Friday December 6, 1996

        "I want to use my name in a positive
        way to help other people."

                --John Wayne Bobbitt on
                being ordained a minister


The Christmas tree outside the Capitol is a 68-foot spruce.  Says Jerry
Perisho, "Newt Gingrich wanted that specific tree.  He chopped that sucker
down and hauled it 2,500 miles because it was home to a spotted owl, an
ivory-billed woodpecker and a California condor."

Boomers spoil their kids rotten on Christmas.  Says Argus Hamilton, "Nothing
is free.  The kids have to hear endless stories about what it was like to
have to walk all the way across the living room to change channels."

In the news: A federal court overturned the conviction of Lincoln Savings
kingpin Charles Keating.  Says Alan Ray, "His warden gave mixed reviews.
He wasn't a model prisoner- but somehow he managed to earn 3 billion
cigarettes."

Adds Rick Rockwell, "Keating said he doesn't regret his five years behind
bars because 'worse things happen every day.'  You mean like getting bilked
out of your savings by some white-collar crook?"

The US has barred 16 Japanese war criminals, accused of running forced-sex
camps during World War II, from entering this country.  Says Hamilton, "Who
invited them here to begin with? Is the Army short of drill sergeants?"

The Supreme Court let stand a law that bans phone solicitation by
auto-dialing machines.  Says Gary Easley, "The justices refused to hear the
case because they were in the middle of dinner."

Cable TV rates are going up in January.  Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "One
cable channel is changing its name to Dime-o-deon."

Jenny Church checked out that new cologne endorsed by Michael Jordan:  "You
don't dab it on, you dribble it."

Burt Reynolds has filed for bankruptcy protection under Chapter 11:

"Of course, after his agent takes his usual 10%, But will be in chapter 10."
(Bob Mills)

"In the past, he's swept his financial problems under the rug.  In other
words, they're always on his mind." (Ray)

"As a result, they've had to revise his filmography.  Altered titles include:
- "Smokey and the Bankrupt"
- "Can't-Afford-a-Ball-Run"
- "The Man Who Loved Women (With Money)"
                     - (Alex Pearlstein)

© 1996 Peter Langston