Fun_People Archive
5 Dec
If I ever become an Evil Overlord

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu,  5 Dec 96 14:39:08 -0800
To: Fun_People
Subject: If I ever become an Evil Overlord

Forwarded-by: "David D. Levine" <davidl@co.intel.com>
Forwarded-by: Jon Regan <j_regan@ix.netcom.com>
[forwards ill-advisedly leaving the hero to his fate]

    [After posting this to Fun_People, I was advised by Nevin Liber
     <nevin@cs.arizona.edu> that the original of this was written by
     Peter Anspach <anspach@aftermath.math.uoknor.edu> and is available
     on the WWW as: http://world.std.com/~olorin/peter_overlord.html
    -psl]

If I ever become an Evil Overlord:

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not
face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or
are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No,
just sensible."

8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me,
will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot
him.

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in
a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during
which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled
"Danger: Do Not Push".

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel
well outside my borders will work just as well.

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident:
I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word "mercy";
I simply choose not show them any.

16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in
my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of
the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members
of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or
adhere to any other dress codes.

19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other
form of last request.

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that
such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the
counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to
never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just
one thing I want to know."

23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
advice.

© 1996 Peter Langston