Fun_People Archive
4 Dec
The Comedian's Eye View of 12-05-96--

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed,  4 Dec 96 23:04:15 -0800
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View of 12-05-96--

Excerpted-from: 12-05-96-- ShopTalk

                           Thursday December 5, 1996

The TV networks are devising a ratings system.  There will be a similar
scale to that of the movies.  G, PG, PG-13, R, and Fox. (Alan Ray)

Space shots: Aboard the shuttle Columbia, astronauts have solved the puzzle
of why that hatch wouldn't open.  Says Eduardo de la Torre Jr., "At the
bottom, they noticed a little sticker that says 'Childproof locks added for
your protection.'"

The disappointed shuttle astronauts requested an extra day in space.  Says
Alan Ray, "there are some drawbacks.  NASA charges a $50 penalty for any
change in itinerary."

Israeli scientists theorize that the dinosaurs were killed off by radiation
from two colliding stars.  Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "I always knew the
answer would be found in the galaxy of Faye Resnick."

In the news: The nation's Christmas tree has been put up.  Says Vince
Viecelli, "Unfortunately, it's not entirely decorated yet.  They're still
trying to find an angel in Washington, DC."

Whitewater prosecutor Kenneth Starr reportedly has the White House nervous.
Says Argus Hamilton, "Bill and Hillary couldn't do any Christmas shopping
last weekend.  They have no idea who their friends will be three weeks from
now."

Prison officials in Virginia said a gang dispute that injured 18 inmates
and two guards began with an argument over a juice drink.  Says Bob Thomas,
"It seems on inmate asked another if he wanted a Hawaiian Punch."

A robber surprised his victims by pulling a handgun out of a hollowed- out
Bible.  Says Joe Kevany, "The thief pleaded innocent on the grounds that he
was 'influenced by televangelists.'"

How cold has it been here in Los Angeles?  Says Jay Leno, "It was so cold,
I saw a guy in Beverly Hills who had THREE sweaters tied around his waist."

Prince William is hunting with his dad in Scotland.  Animal rights activists
are furious with Prince Charles for teaching his son to kill.  Says Hamilton,
"If they had their way, the palace would be guarded by the Quiche Eaters."
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