Fun_People Archive
3 Dec
Comedian's Eye View of 12-04-96

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue,  3 Dec 96 17:10:30 -0800
To: Fun_People
Subject: Comedian's Eye View of 12-04-96

[I know I said I was going to cut down on these Comedian's Eye Views, but I  
got several flattering letters that made credible arguments for the value of  
these excerpts, so...
-psl]

Excerpted-from: 12-04-96-- ShopTalk

                           Wednesday December 4, 1996

The Christmas shopping season is off to a brisk start, says Steve Tatham,
"as politicians try to unload those post-election campaign promises."

Adds Jenny Church: "For families scraping to provide gifts for all the kids,
there's advice in that book by Hillary Clinton, 'It Takes a Visa.'"

Adds Buzz Nutley: "The hot gizmo of the year is Nintendo 64.  Apparently,
that's how many they made- and they were all gone first day."

Adds Jerry Perisho: "A popular item is the new Holiday Barbie.  Send in her
registration card and you receive a copy of her ruined credit history, her
cut-in-half charge cards and- especially exciting- collection agencies will
call you every hour until you get her payments current."

Space jammed: Astronauts aboard the Columbia had to cancel their spacewalks
because of a jammed hatch.  Says Bob Mills, "You know how hard it is to find
a locksmith around the holidays.  One NASA sub- contractor suggested they
try picking the lock with a $600 paper clip."

In the news: Los Angeles police found $1.3 million worth of pot in the trunk
of a 1975 Pinto they pulled over.  Says Argus Hamilton, "The driver said he
wasn't going to deal the dope, he was just trying to give his car a higher
street value."

In England, 14-year-old Prince William shot his first stag.  Says Bob
Thomas, "The queen was panic-stricken until someone explained to her that
it was a deer, not a movie."

The USDA is drawing up new standards for frozen pizza.  Says the Cutler
Daily Scoop, "Actually, they're just borrowing the old standards for
perforated cardboard."

In an interview, Shirley MacLaine said she would never have plastic surgery.
Says Easley, "And why should she?  She looks great for a woman of 8,000."
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