Fun_People Archive
8 Nov
Humor? You should be so lucky...

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri,  8 Nov 96 23:51:03 -0800
To: Fun_People
Subject: Humor?  You should be so lucky...

[Slightly modified...  -psl]

Forwarded-by: Eric Steese <ecscc@olywa.net>

	-= Oy! =-

Three bubbes sitting on a park bench.

The first one lets out a heartfelt "Oy!"

A few minutes later, the second bubbe sighs deeply and says "Oy vey!"

A few minutes after that, the third lady brushes away a tear and moans,
"Oy veyizmir!"

To which the first bubbe replies: "I thought we agreed we weren't going
to talk about our children!"

*********************************************************************

	-= Man and Wife =-

An Israeli mayor in a small town is walking past a construction site with
his wife. One of the construction workers stops and calls out to the woman.

"What's new, Sara?"

"Why, it's nice to see you again Avi," the woman replies.  She introduces
her husband to the construction worker, and they speak for several minutes.

After the mayor and his wife continue on, he turns to his wife to ask how
she knows him.

"Oh," she said. "We went together in high school. I even thought about
marrying him."

The mayor begins to laugh. "You don't realize how lucky you are. If I hadn't
come along, today you would be the wife of a construction worker!"

The wife replies without hesitation, "Not really. If I had married him, he'd
now be a mayor!"

*********************************************************************

	-= What's In A Name? =-

A young Jewish guy develops a crush on a girl, but when he tells his Father
about her, the old man just wants to know her family name.  When the young
guy tells him that the girl's name is Ford, the old boy tells him that Ford
is not a good Jewish name, and he must forget her, and go and find a nice
Jewish girl. So time passes, and the young guy finds another girl, but her
name is Austin, so his Father tells him the same thing, to find a nice
Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name. So more time passes, and the young guy
finds another girl, but this time he is sure that he has solved the problem
because the girl's name is Goldberg. "Goldberg !" exclaims his Father, "This
makes me very happy because it is a real good Jewish name, and from a good
established family." He asks what her first name is. "Is it one of my
favourites, like Rachael, or Rebecca ?" "No Father" replies the young guy.
"It's Whoopi"

*********************************************************************

	-= Ouch! =-

Q. What is the difference between heroin and Abraham?

A. One is the juice of the poppy; the other is the Poppy of the Jews.

*********************************************************************

	-= Top Ten Ways To Mispronounce 'Bibi Netanyahu' =-

10. Yahu Netanbibi
 9. Bibi Netan Yo Yo Ma
 8. Betty Needs a Yoo-Hoo
 7. "Weird Bibi" Netanyankovic
 6. Yahootie and the Bibi-Fish
 5. To Bibi or Not to Bibi
 4. The Unabibi
 3. Baby, I'm-a Want You
 2. Boutros Boutros Yahu
 1. Snoop Bibi Bib

*********************************************************************

	-= All In A Days's Work =-

Three bubbes were sitting around and bragging about their children.  The
first one says, " You know my son, he graduated fist in his class from
Stanford, he's now a doctor making $250,000 a year in Chicago" The second
woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard,
he's now a lawyer making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los
Angeles." The last woman says, " you know my son, he never did too well is
school, he never went to any university but he now makes 1 million dollars
a Year in New York working as a sports repairman" The other two women ask
"Vos is a sports repairman?" The Bubbe replies, "He fixes hockey games,
football games, baseball games,...."

*********************************************************************

	-= A Word To The Wise =-

Two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively
by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking among themselves in
Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks
them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. The
Jewish men are dumbfounded. "My God, where did he learn such perfect
Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager of
the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did your waiter
learn such fabulous Yiddish?" The owner looks around and leans in so no one
will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

*********************************************************************

	-= Election Day =-

The first Jewish woman President is elected.

She calls her Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to come to
the swearing-in ceremony."

"I don't know, what would I wear?"

"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker"

"But I only eat kosher food"

"Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food"

"But how will I get there?"

"I'll send a limo, just come mama"

"Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy.

The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court Justices
and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman on her right. "You
see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible" "Her brother's a doctor!"

© 1996 Peter Langston