Fun_People Archive
8 Nov
Dear Abby...

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri,  8 Nov 96 14:36:48 -0800
To: Fun_People
Subject: Dear Abby...

Forwarded-by: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Forwarded-by: glen mccready <glen@qnx.com>
Forwarded-by: Jeff Boerio <boerio@teleport.com>
Forwarded-by: rrfritz@zebra.com (Fritz, Rebecca R.)

Funny Letters to Dear Abby...
---------

DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-
twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man
go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
						CURIOUS

---------

DEAR ABBY: I've been married for six years and have five kids. No twins.
My husband still wants to have sex every night and sometimes in the morning
too. I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he says that is his
hobby.

---------

.... I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with
him.

---------

.... Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

---------

.... I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

---------

.... My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour
every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

---------

.... I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank
until one night he came home sober.

---------

.... Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little
gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.

---------

I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief petting officer.

---------

.... Then you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to
send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago
and he is a doctor.

---------

.... This is the second marriage for both of us. And when my husband said
"I Will" he knew damn well he couldn't.

---------

DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady with this man for six years. We see each
other every night.  He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never
mentions marriage.  Do you think he's going out with me just for what he
can get?
						GERTIE

DEAR GERTIE: I don't know. What's he getting?

---------

DEAR ABBY: My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and make my
own clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend.  Meanwhile
he has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a cow. How do
I get some money out of him before we are both called to our final
judgment?  He says he's saving for a rainy day.
						FORTY YEARS HITCHED

DEAR HITCHED: Tell him it's raining!

---------

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month.  I'd
like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd
like?
						CAROL

DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

---------

DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible?
						KAY

DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work.

---------

DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had
a ten-pound baby girl.  They said the baby was premature.  Tell me, can a
baby this big be that early?
						WONDERING

DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late.  Forget it.

---------

DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much?
						CURIOUS

DEAR CURIOUS: No, it's the last thing I want to do.

---------

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same
time?
						JAKE

DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.

---------

DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's
still chasing women. Any suggestions?
						ANNIE

DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he
ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

---------

DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I
can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
						SAM IN CAL.

DEAR SAM: Yes.  Run for public office.

---------

DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write?
						TED

DEAR TED: The Bureau of Internal Revenue.

---------

DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, "I've
heard a lot about you"?
						RITA

DEAR RITA: It depends on what you've heard.

---------

DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age
with no bad habits.
						ROSE

DEAR ROSE: So would I.

© 1996 Peter Langston