Fun_People Archive
21 Oct
The History Of Music (Creationist Version)

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 21 Oct 96 00:08:36 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: The History Of Music (Creationist Version)

Forwarded-by: liondog@isomedia.com (Rick Ruskin)

The History Of Music

In the beginning there was silence.  Then God whistled.  He whistled one
whole note each day for seven days, and thus was the universe created, and
also the musical scale.  When God whistled it wasn't the way we whistle.
It was a really big, really loud, perfectly tuned whistle that moved at the
speed of thought and created planets and civilizations in the wake of its
vibrations.

And God listened after the seventh note and heard that it was good.  And He
said, "Damn, I like that tune."  So He put on his headphones and lay back
and grooved on the sounds and the echoes of the universe ringing with
feedback from the first solo.

For millions of eons He grooved, until one day He got up, took off the
headphones, and said, "This riff is getting stale, and no one is dancing."
But that was because He hadn't created anyone yet, and realizing this, He
said, "Let there be Negroes with funky souls who can shimmy and sway to my
sounds."  And there were.  But the Negroes just couldn't get into the same
old scale over and over, so they said to God, "Hey give us some
one-four-five blues-type progressions so we can get down." and He did.  And
it was good.  And they jammed and danced and sang naturally and with
carefree abandon for millions and millions of years.

Some of the Negroes, however, weren't into that scene.  They preferred to
sit in the shade reading books about math and science and other boring
subjects while their brothers danced and played and made love in the sun.
Because He considered them indolent, God took away their fine skin color
and made them into white men.  As this peculiar sect of white Negroes
developed, they gradually lost their ability to dance and be free and
natural with their bodies and they gave birth to withered, colorless babies,
many of whom grew up to be accountants, lawyers, real estate brokers and
politicians, and then it was 1950.

God looked around and saw He had to do something before it was too late, so
He created "rock" music.  And the skinny, withered, colorless babies of the
accountants, lawyers, real estate brokers, and politicians of the fifties
plunked their guitars, banged on their tambourines, and wailed into the void
and became the rock superstars of the eighties.  And God saw what he had
created and put his headphones back on and said, "Fuck it."

© 1996 Peter Langston