Fun_People Archive
16 Oct
Radio Hell

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed, 16 Oct 96 01:16:09 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: Radio Hell

Forwarded-by: Brad Roter <broter@u.washington.edu>
Forwarded-by: Marly Carpenter <Marly_Carpenter@discovery.com>
 Radio Hell            by Stuart Wade
 Originally published in the Austin Chronicle

         It waits out on the open road: a circle approximately 1,000
         miles in diameter, with its broadcast center somewhere near
         Salina, Kansas. Radio Hell is a place where no cool airwaves
         can find their way down your car's antenna. You've driven the
         empty miles of Radio Hell on the way to Better Places. In
         Radio Hell, songs like "All By Myself" (Eric Carmen), and
         "Chevy Van" (Sammy Johns) are classics, and Journey's "Open
         Arms" jockeys for a place in the heavy rotation with Steve
         Miller's "Abracadabra" and Kim Carnes' "Bette Davis Eyes."

         Built from the misdeeds of starmakers of yesteryear like Dick
         Clark and Casey Kasem, men will surely burn for their sins,
         Radio Hell is a place where 1975 never really ended. In this
         high-watt Hades, your car will break down but your car radio
         won't, and the following Infernal Top 40 songs are broadcast
         clear as a bell, 24 hours a day:

         The Infernal Top 40

         40. Wake Me Up Before You Go Go,
         by Wham! (1984, #1)
         Hey, everybody! Choose Life!

         39. Cherish, by the Association (1966, #1)
         "Abhor" is the word we use to describe.

         38. S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night,
         by the Bay City Rollers (1975, #1)
         Rollers touted as "next Beatles," but then, so was The Knack.

         37. I Just Called To Say I Love You,
         by Stevie Wonder (1984, #1)
         You try batting 1.000 from age twelve on. Stevie was bound to
         strike out once.

         36. Shannon, by Henry Gross (1976, #6)
         Worst song ever written about a dog.

         35. Eye of the Tiger, by Survivor (1982, #1)
         A balls-to-the-wall metal onslaught! Not responsible for brain
         damage!

         34. Don't Go Breakin My Heart,
         by Elton John & Kiki Dee (1976, #1)
         Impossible to hear without risking flashback to Julie and
         Barbara on One Day At A Time.

         33. Ebony and Ivory,
         Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder (1982, #1)
         To paraphrase Michael Jackson, "it don't matter if you're black
         or white" when the song stinks.

         32. America, by Neil Diamond. (1980, #1)
         Remember the Dukakis family lamely dancing to this tune after
         the nomination? Neither do we.

         31. We Didn't Start the Fire, by Billy Joel (1989, #1)
         Perhaps, but this song is a lot like arson.

         30. I'd Really Love to See You Tonight,
         by England Dan and John Ford Coley (1976, #2) Isn't this how
         date rape begins?

         29. The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia,
         by Vicki Lawrence (1973, #1)
         Recently voted best pop song ever by a cast member of
         "Mama's Family."

         28. Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree,
         by Tony Orlando and Dawn (1973, #1)
         That's "if you still want me." If you just "want me," Knock
Three
         Times on the Ceiling.

         27. Lonely Boy, by Andrew Gold (1977, #7)
         Makes us wish we'd never been born.

         26. Don't Give Up On Us, by David Soul (1976, #1)
         Hutch had it all. Or was it Starsky? Anyway, nice car.

         25. Lady, by Kenny Rogers (1980 #1)
         Or if you prefer, "Lady," by Lionel Richie. It's your call.

         24. Sailing, by Christopher Cross (1980, #1)
         Won Grammy for New Artist; so did Milli Vanilli.

         23. At Seventeen, by Janis Ian (1975 #3)
         Wow, a 17-year-old who's awkward and hates her parents.
         Alert the media.

         22. Footloose, by Kenny Loggins (1984, #1)
         Dear Kenny, What the hell happened? Concerned, Jim
         Messina.

         21. (Escape) The Pina Colada Song,
         by Rupert Holmes (1979, #1)
         While promoting a musical he wrote last year, Rupert wouldn't
         discuss this song with DJs.

         20. Seasons in the Sun, by Terry Jacks (1973, #1)
         True story, just like when that Mikey gobbled all them Pop
         Rocks then swigged a big cream soda.

         19. Any song by Air Supply (1981, #1)
         Why discriminate? Now playing at an Eckerd drugstore near
         you.

         18. Rosanna, by Toto (1982, #1)
         Written for Rosanna Arquette, but even she couldn't save it.

         17. Feelings, by Morris Albert (1975, #6)
         Song has become ironically hip, like Jerry Lewis.

         16. Don't Worry, Be Happy,
         by Bobby McFerrin (1988, #1)
         Be afraid, be very afraid.

         15. The Night Chicago Died,
         by Paper Lace (1974, #1)
         Paper Lace rocked us, then entered the Federal Witness
         Relocation Program.

         14. Billy Don't Be A Hero,
         by Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods (1974, #1)
         Cowardice rules!

         13. We Built This City On Rock-N-Roll,
         by Starship (1985, #1).
         One pill makes you happy, one pill makes you write sold-out
         pabulum.

         12. Sometimes When We Touch,
         by Dan Hill (1973, #3).
         "I want to hold you till I die /till we both break down and cry
/I
         want to hold you till the fear in me subsides." Huh?

         11. Rock Me Amadeus, by Falco (1986, #1)
         Note: not to be confused with Puttin On The Ritz by the evil
         arch-enemy of Falco, Taco.

         10. You Light Up My Life, by Debby Boone (1977, #1)
         Let's go with "Rock Songs with Really Bitchin' Flute Solos" for
         500, Alex.

         9. Love Will Keep Us Together,
         by The Captain and Tennille (1974, #1)
         These two recently renewed their wedding vows. If only they
         had let them expire.

         8. You Don't Bring Me Flowers,
         by Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond (1978 #1)
         Power ballad by a pair of Rock-N-Roll survivors. Our ears are
         still ringing.

         7. I Am Woman, by Helen Reddy (1971, #1)
         I Am Woman. I Am The Walrus. I Am, I Said.

         6. Honey, by Bobby Goldsboro (1968, #1).
         Little ditty 'bout a dead gal name o'Honey.

         5. Afternoon Delight,
         by Starland Vocal Band (1976, #1)
         You can actually hear them smiling. Pass the Everclear.

         4. I Write The Songs, by Barry Manilow (1975, #1)
         Barry Manilow did not write "I Write The Songs." Buzz kill.

         3. Sing, by The Carpenters (1973, #3)
         Bad idea: children's choir. Worse idea: Lyrics that might have
         been written by Barney The Dinosaur while 'shrooming.

         2. (You're) Having My Baby, by Paul Anka (1974, #1).
         An excellent pro-choice argument if ever there was one.

         1. Muskrat Love,
         by The Captain and Tennille (1976, #4)
         If a song about rodent-boning can make it this big, there's
	 still hope for our rock opera, "Deliverance On Ice."


1996 Stuart Wade. All rights reserved.
Ointment URL:www.swisstravel.com/swiss/stu

© 1996 Peter Langston