Fun_People Archive
25 Sep
The 6 Milion Dollar Man meets the 90's

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed, 25 Sep 96 10:56:17 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: The 6 Milion Dollar Man meets the 90's

Forwarded-by: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Forwarded-by: Sean Eric Fagan <sef@cygnus.com>
Forwarded-by: mrovner@cygnus.com (Marc Rovner)

THREE-MILLION-DOLLAR MAN INTRODUCED
-----------------------------------

"RISC technology, client/server architecture, and a catastrophic jet-ski
accident" was how OSI researcher Dr. Rudy Wells explained the origins of
his new three-million-dollar man.

"It's 22 years later," he said yesterday, referring to his original
breakthrough in bionic engineering.  "We've developed faster, cheaper, and
more powerful cyborg technology."

Wells previewed his bionic man, code named Wally, at last week's
Technomedical Conference in Austin, Texas, where medical and technical
innovators meet annually to discuss the year's advancements in organ and
limb regeneration. OSI spokesman Oscar Goldman indicated Wally would be
profiled in-depth in next month's "New England Journal of Bionics."

Goldman explained this is not your father's bionic man.  "Where we began
with and eye, arm and legs, now we've automated the brain and circulatory
system as well.  We're also exploiting new technology introduced in the PC
world," he says.  "For example, in 1974, our man could run as fast as a
Ford Maverick in third gear, or he could squeeze a coconut open with his
right arm.  But he couldn't do both at the same time.  Today, thanks to
distributed processing and multi-tasking, he can."

"Wally is amazing," Wells adds.  "His eyes have 1200 DPI resolution and OCR
software that enable him to actually read.  His central nervous system is
controlled by a processor so powerful it requires two HALT instructions to
stop it.

"If that's not enough, Wally has an eleventh toe that doubles as an RJ-11
jack--he's got a built-in 28.8Kbps connection to the 'Net."


ORACLE ANNOUNCES $500 MAN
-------------------------

Commenting that the average household doesn't need the power and
sophistication of a top-of-the-line bionic man (see above, "Three-Million-
Dollar Man Introduced"), Oracle's Larry Ellison, on Monday, announced his
company has defined standards for the creation of a $500 man.

Ellson indicated his vision of a pseudo-intelligent humanoid companion is
economically plausible because of two economic factors--Single in-line
memory module (SIMM) dumping and a surplus of mannequin limbs in Brazil.

Oracle is offering several upgrades to its Common Man--including a hard
drive in the event you expect him to remember anything.

"The base model doesn't do much," Ellison said, "but what do you expect for
$500, Albert Einstein?"

© 1996 Peter Langston