Fun_People Archive
15 Sep
The Comedian's eye View of the Week 9/9/96-9/13/96

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sun, 15 Sep 96 20:16:29 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's eye View of the Week 9/9/96-9/13/96

Excerpted-from: 9/9/96 -- ShopTalk  through  9/13/96 -- Shoptalk

Wild things: The animal-rights group PETA wants the city of Fishkill, NY,
to change its name to the less-hostile-sounding Fishsave.  Says Steve
Tatham, "What's next?  The Catskill Mountains become the Kittypets?
Huntsville, Ala., becomes Nurtureville?  Hamburg, Germany, becomes
Veggieberg?  And Mt. Kilimanjaro...kill-a-man, that one's OK- especially if
he ever stepped on a bug."

In the news: Never doubt the genius of Dick Morris, says Argus Hamilton.
"Any man who can get caught with a hooker one week and appear on the cover
of Time with his forgiving wife the next week has what we in Los Angeles
call 'good people skills.'"

Morris has already signed a huge book deal.  Says Steve Voldseth, "They're
going to call it 'The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating.'"

Members of Hillary Rodham Clinton's fan club presented the first lady with
a Hillary doll:

"Kids probably wouldn't like this doll.  It bakes cookies only once every
four years and now and then it shreds your homework.  But on the plus side,
it's able to telepathically summon your lost Barbies" (Alex Pearlstein)

"Battery of lawyers not included." (Faber)

Louisiana Klansman-turned-politician David Duke is coming to Cal State
Northridge to debate racial quotas.  Says Hamilton, "He's against them
quotas.  He believes that every time you put one in a pay phone, you never
get yo' nickel back."

The Hubble Space Telescope has found 18 "star-forming objects" that will
probably become a new galaxy.  Says Williams, "There hasn't been this much
excitement over 'star-forming objects' since Demi Moore got her implants."

"The latest poll shows Dole trailing by 21 points," says Jay Leno.  "Down
21 points.  You know what the New York Jets call that? Halftime!"

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In the news: President Clinton declared victory over Iraq late last week as
the United States celebrated V-I Day for the third time in five years. Says
Argus Hamilton,  "Saddam Hussein received a nice card from Fidel Castro.
We've been defeating him for 37 years."

A leading psychologist says there is a great similarity between politicians
and psychopaths: They both lie.  Says Gary Easley, "The difference is that,
when caught, a psychopath gets help and a politician gets a book deal."

Asks Bob Mills, "What are the chances of both major presidential candidates
being embarrassed by the scandalous activities of a close associate named
Morris- Clinton with Dick, Bob Dole with Philip.

Donald Trump announced he wants to build the world's tallest building and
name it after himself.  Says Hamilton, "No surprise there.  If he were
homeless, he'd be walking the streets pushing the Trump Shopping Cart."

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Top o' the tube: Sunday night we got to see the very best that television
has to offer, says Jerry Perisho.  "Then, when those Michael Jordan
commercials were over, they went back to the Emmys."

"Winning for best actress in a courtroom drama was Hillary Clinton, for her
stellar work in "'The Ex-Files.'" (Pearstein)

"It was the same old story for the cast of 'Baywatch'- they went home
empty-headed." (Alan Ray)

In the news: Good news for Republicans last week, says Dino Londis.  Two
top officials were ousted from the Bob Dole campaign.  "The bad news?  Dole
wasn't one of them."

A new book says OJ was told about the not-guilty verdict a day early by jail
guards.  Says Hamilton, "Hollywood is very upset.  Price Waterhouse wasn't
supposed to let anybody know who won until Judge Ito opened the envelope."

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Charlie Rienke: "The President's doctor wants him to lose some weight.  He's
declared the White House a no-fry zone."

Wal-Mart is refusing to sell recordings by Sheryl Crow because one song
suggests the chain sells guns to children.  Says John Fox, "Come on, kids
should be able to spend that 50 cents Kathie Lee pays them any way they
want."

An English instructor for 10 years at an Inglewood high school turned out
to be an impostor.  Says Jenny Church, "He was just pretending to teach...to
kids just pretending to listen."

Asked to comment on officials banning the Macarena from Raleigh, NC schools,
Says Kaseberg, "One student said 'Forget the Macarena.  It's the lasagna
that's going to kill somebody.'"

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In the news: The Star reported that Dick Morris told his prostitute pal that
Hillary Clinton was behind the FBI files at the White House scandal, says
Bill Maher.  "And if you can't believe a campaign manager, a supermarket
tabloid, and a hooker, who can you believe?"

Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, "Morris later told a House committee he doesn't
personally know if she was involved after all.  At the White House, you can
hear Hillary going, 'Good doggy, good doggy."

Even Ross Perot has been captured by this "family values" thing, says Argus
Hamilton.  "He just picked Mr. French to be his running mate."

Pollsters have a nickname for Dole campaign headquarters, says Stan Kaplan:
"The Department of Motor Miracles."

According to a new book about the Simpson trial, both Johnnie Cochran and
Robert Shapiro initially believed OJ was guilty.  "Until," says Rudolph J.
Cecerra, "they remembered that 'he's rich and we're lawyers.'"

Adds Colleen Guthrie, "Did you hear?  The Florida Orange Juice Growers Assn.
Offered OJ $1 million to change his name to 'Snapple.'"

© 1996 Peter Langston