Fun_People Archive
30 Aug
Assorted Bon Mots - The Comic World View

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 30 Aug 96 13:44:20 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: Assorted Bon Mots - The Comic World View

Forwarded-by: elshaw@MIT.EDU (Libby Shaw)
Forwarded-by: rgl@apldbio.com (Ray Lefebvre)
Forwarded-by: Tweaty Boyd <tweaty@ecst.csuchico.edu

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second day
you're off it.
	- Jackie Gleason

Never raise your hands to your kids.  It leaves your groin unprotected.
	- Red Buttons

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing,
but together can decide that nothing can be done.
	- Fred Allen

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.
	- Ronnie Corbett

They think they can make fuel from horse manure...  Now I don't know if your
car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put
a stop to siphoning.
	- Billie Holliday

Everything is drive-through.  In California they even have a burial service
called Jump-In-The-Box.
	- Wil Shriner

Have you ever noticed?  Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a moron.
	- George Carlin

You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother, she started walking five miles a
day when she was 60.  She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
	- Ellen DeGeneris

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't.  So I grew hair under
my arms instead.
	- Sue Kolinsky

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught
dead in otherwise.
	- Roger Simon

You have a cough?  Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow
you'll be afraid to cough.
	- Pearl Williams

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to the Salvation
Army instead.  They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.  Next morning buy
it back for seventy-five cents.
	- Billiam Coronel

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
	- Dave Edison

If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?
	- Calvin Trillin

Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches.  I wish I could.  It's
like having a little pet for your face.
	- Anita Wise

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."  The
girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
	- Jay Leno

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank
robbery has just taken place.
	- Johnny Carson

It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on
the clothesline.
	- George Lindsey

Never moon a werewolf.
	- Mike Binder

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
	- George Gobel

"More hay, Trigger?"
"No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

© 1996 Peter Langston