Fun_People Archive
29 Aug
The Comedian's Eye View from 8/28/96 & 8/29/96

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 29 Aug 96 09:26:41 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View from 8/28/96 & 8/29/96

Excerpted-from: 8/28/96 & 8/29/96 -- ShopTalk


The GOP says Clinton is attacking tobacco to distract the public from
statistics showing increased use of amphetamines and cocaine.  Says Argus
Hamilton, "What's to hide?  Clinton promised to get this country moving
again."

Bob Dole reversed himself again and now says he supports Clinton's anti-
tobacco stance.  Says Mills, "Dole finally found something that is
addictive: public opinion polls."

The Democrats snubbed Jimmy Carter by not letting him speak at the
convention. Says Hamilton, "Carter will get the last laugh.  Sooner or
later, Bill and Hillary are going to need a house."

In the news: At the Citadel, where for the first time four women are
enrolled with hundreds of men, this is "Hell Week" :

ASCAP wants to collect royalties from campers who sing copyrighted songs
around the campfire.  Says Will Couzin, "Great way to balance the federal
budget!  Let's charge everybody at ball games a fee for singing 'The
Star-Spangled Banner.'"

Brazilian scientists have released yet another study that says red wine is
good for your heart.  They tested it on rabbits.  Says Tatham, "Give wine
to rabbits?  If you think rabbits overproduce now, what do you think they're
like at Hoppy Hour?"

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Most unconventional: The theme of the Republican convention was tolerance
and the theme of the Democratic convention is family values.  Ethnic
minorities spoke to the GOP gathering, and now Republicans like Sarah Brady
are speaking at the Democrats'.  Says Steve Tatham, "I guess it's all part
of the dyslexicon of politics."

The president' approval ratings shot back up after he signed the welfare
reform bill into law.  Now he says he'll change the parts he doesn't like.
Says Argus Hamilton, "Bill Clinton is not a Republican, but he plays one on
television."

Adds Paul Ecker, "In line with Clinton's move to center, Shaquille O'Neal
is now playing power forward."

Clinton may be calling his whistle-stop train the "21st Century Express,"
but to the Cutler Daily Scoop it's the "Dole-Bash Cannonball."

The campaign is turning nasty, says Mills.  "The Democrats now claim to have
proof that Jack Kemp used family influence to dodge the NFL draft."

One of Clinton's strongest supporters is movie mogul Steven Spielberg, who
has donated about half a million bucks.  Says Jerry Perisho, "There are
rumors that Spielberg has a movie in the works about Clinton's life."
Possible titles:
  0 "An American Tale: Bill Doesn't Inhale"
  0 "Raiders of the Lost Billing Statements"
  0 "ET: The Extra Tortellini"
  0 "Paula Jones and the Lawsuit of Doom"
  0 "Unclothed Encounters of the Worst Kind"

In the news: According to a new study, passionate sex can relieve asthma
symptoms.  Says Steve Voldseth, "that means even Heidi Fleiss had a better
health care plan than the Clintons."

A New Jersey farmer mowed down a 6-foot-wide swastika someone had hacked
out in his cornfield.  The farmer says he has no idea how it got there, but
Johnny Robish has a theory: "Fascist Pigs."

Warner Bros. has signed rockers REM to an $80-million deal.  Says Alan Ray,
"The company had expected to pay just $70 million, but found it could only
book the band through Ticketmaster."

© 1996 Peter Langston