Fun_People Archive
13 Aug
A Small Affair

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 13 Aug 96 16:36:33 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: A Small Affair

Forwarded-by: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Forwarded-by: Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>

A SMALL AFFAIR

It was late and the phone rang which was a bit of a surprise as I didn't
have one.  I called Telecom and fixed this immediately, then answered the
call.

It was the Pope.  He was concerned.  I knew he was concerned because he
tried to break the ice with the "Vat 69" joke, which was in it's 80th year
and still didn't get a laugh no matter how pissed you got.

He wanted me to do a job for him.  It was obvious where he got my name,
Father Tim had been taping the confessionals again for income when he left
the priesthood, and somehow the Big Guy had got hold of them.  I made a
mental note to give Father Tim and impromptu lead-host communion when I
had a free night.

Of course the pope had me over a barrel like a 3 month sailor, so I was
going to have to do the job.

It was a small affair he said -- all he wanted was Mother Theresa's head
on a plate.  Apparently she was too good as a role model, and the children
of today needed some reachable plateau of goodness to aspire to.  He'd
lined up Madonna (the new one) and Charles Manson in a rush as he couldn't
afford the transfer fee he'd have to pay the US for Pol Pot.

So he wanted a quiet job, 6 or 7 bullets in the back of the head, make it
Look like an accident.  Then plant the drugs on her so he could frame her
for the Bolivian situation.

Smart Move.

I left as soon as I could by third world airlines ("We fly as much of you
as we can to your destination") and met my contact at the airport,
Cardinal Melons.  It was a strange name for an Airport, but there you go.
My contact's name was Heathrow Gatwick, and he had a British accent to
prove it.  He handed me the drugs, the tapes and the money, and pointed
me in the right direction...

WHAT WILL HAPPEN?  WILL MOTHER THERESA REALLY BE GUNNED DOWN IN COLD
BLOOD? DID I WRITE MYSELF COMPLETELY INTO A CORNER WITH SENSELESS DRIVEL?
WHO REALLY WAS CARDINAL MELONS, AND WHY DID HE NOT SAY HE WAS AN AIRPORT?
WHO CARES, I'M WARMING UP.

Copyright (c) Simon Travaglia <spt@waikato.ac.nz>

© 1996 Peter Langston