Fun_People Archive
13 Aug
The day the service died.

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 13 Aug 96 15:27:37 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: The day the service died.

Forwarded-by: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Forwarded-by: "Steve Fraser" <stevef@healthcare.com>
Forwarded-by: jar@colossus.storz.com (Alan Ritter)
Forwarded-by: rac@storz.com Tue Aug 13 08:56 CDT 1996

		[To the tune of "American Pie"]

A long, long, time ago
  I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
  They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.

But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
  with every busy they'd deliver.
Bad news on the front page
  A 19-hour outrage.

I can't remember if I cried
  when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day
the service
died.


So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.


Did you write the book of TOS
  Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.

And will you believe the Motley Fool
  When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?

	Well I know you sold the service short
	Cause I saw your quarterly report.

	Steve Case sold off his stock
	It fell just like a rock.

It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
And half their users went away
the day the service died.


	So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
	Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
	And good old geeks are cheering users offline
	Saying this'll be the day that they die.
	This'll be the day that they die.


Well for two days we've been on our own
  And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But that's not how it used to be

When the mogul came to Virginia court
  With an OS icon and a browser port
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.

	And while Jim Clark was looking down
	The mogul stole his thorny crown

	The browser war was turned.
	Mozilla...was spurned.

And while Steve left users out to bond
With hosts unable to respond
6 million newbies all were conned
the day the service died.


	So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
	Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
	And good old geeks are cheering users offline
	Saying this'll be the day that they die.
	This'll be the day that they die.


Da Chronic ducked their software guards
  And stole a million credit cards
To use accounts he'd gotten free.

And so Steve Case went to the FBI
  and he told Boardwatch* a little lie
That hackers wanted child pornography *

	But while Steve Case was looking down
	The hackers pulled his e-mail down

	They put it on the net.
	He can't be trusted yet!

And while user cynicism climbs
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"
the day the service died.


	So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
	Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
	And good old geeks are cheering users offline
	Saying this'll be the day that they die.
	This'll be the day that they die.


Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
  The lawyers filed a class-action shelter
Eight million in lawyer's fees.

But it looks like some attorney jibe
  an hour if they resubscribe.
To a service marketed for free

	Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks
	Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.

	"Until we bless the suit
	The settlement is moot."

"If AOL treats you like the Borg
Then visit aolsucks.org
Before some router pulls the cord..."
the day the service died.


	So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
	Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
	And good old geeks are cheering users offline
	Saying this'll be the day that they die.
	This'll be the day that they die.


Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
  sold off his home in Tennessee
And headed for a 4-month end.

Was he sad or just incensed
  when Case offered him his thirty cents.
Billing is the devil's only friend.

	But as I read him on the page
	My hands were clenched in fists of rage.

	No "Welcome" born in hell
	could ring that chatroom bell.


And as chat freaks cried into the night
CompuServe read their last rites.
I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
the day the service died.


	So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
	Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
	And good old geeks are cheering users offline
	Saying this'll be the day that they die.
	This'll be the day that they die.


I met a girl in Lobby 9
  And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.
But she just frowned and looked away.

And I went back to the Member Lounge
  To see what loyalty I could scrounge
But Room Host said the members went away...

	And on the net the modems scream
	At faster speeds and data streams.

	And not a tear was spoken.
	The hourly fees were broken.

And the three men that I hated most
Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost
They couldn't dial up the host
The day the service died.

Submitted by: Julia Graham @ eor.com
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