Fun_People Archive
13 Aug
The Comedian's Eye view from 8/6/96, 8/8/96, 8/9/96, & 8/12/96

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 13 Aug 96 12:38:36 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye view from 8/6/96, 8/8/96, 8/9/96, & 8/12/96

Excerpted-from: 8/6/96 -- ShopTalk
		8/8/96 -- ShopTalk
		8/9/96 -- ShopTalk
		8/12/96 -- ShopTalk

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As the Republicans head for San Diego, various subgroups have been assigned
meeting locations.  Says Alan Ray, "The GOP women's group has been assigned
to the kitchen."

Since the IRS announced plans to lay off 5,000 employees, says Bob Mills,
"500,000 taxpayers have volunteered to deliver the pink slips personally."

A wildfire raged in Northern California's wine country.  Says Ray, "Local
vineyards are trying to put a positive spin on the situation.  They're
saying next year's vintage will be extremely dry."

Adds Alex Kaseberg, "Gallo announced it will offer two versions of
Chardonnay next year: regular and extra crispy."

England's Queen Mother turned 96 on Sunday.  Says Ray, "In her time she's
seen war, depression, unemployment and bitter division.  Family gatherings
are always so much fun."

Archaeologists in Spain uncovered the skeleton of a bird believed to have
lived 115 million years ago.  Says Mills, "The bones were discovered in the
bottom of an earthen bucket with the words 'Colonel Sanders' scratched on
the side."

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In the news: Bob Dole announced that he can balance the budget while giving
everyone tax cuts.  Says Argus Hamilton, "The next morning, Dole got a
Pick-Me-Up bouquet from OJ Simpson.  Nobody believes him either."

Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, "This plan says growth.  This plan says tax
relief.  This plan says 'Remember me?  I'm Bob Dole and I'm running for
president.'"

Many Republicans believe the only way Dole can beat President Clinton is if
Clinton is convicted of a felony.  Says Paul Steinberg, "Considering how
many ideas Clinton has stolen from the GOP, they ought to be able to get
him for grand larceny."

The GOP platform committee is having so much trouble coming up with an
abortion plank everyone can agree on, Bob Mills says, "Insiders predict they
may scrap the whole thing and go with aluminum siding."

Newt Gingrich's novel "1945" is selling so poorly that copies are piling up
in warehouses and may be recycled into toilet paper. Says Alan Ray, "He's
had the same problem with his 'contract with America':  Not a lot of people
have bought it."

The woman who cooked for Elvis for 26 years says the King's daily breakfast
included fried biscuits, sausage, four scrambled eggs and bacon.  Adds
Premiere Morning Sickness, "Instead of coffee, he started the day with a
refreshing defibrillation."

Leaving Atlanta: The Olympics were very educational, says Alex Kaseberg.
"Until last week, I thought 'rhythm gymnastics' was something only
practicing Catholics did on their honeymoon."

At the Games, Carl Lewis was spotted sitting with Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Says Jay Leno, "Reportedly, he was telling the first lady about his problems
with the 400-meter relay team.  You know that story...how he was part of
the winning team four years ago and now he's being totally ignored.  And
Hillary said, "Tell me about it."

Talk shows are scrambling to book Olympic heroes.  Says Paul Ecker, "David
Letterman asked Michael Johnson about the bomb, Johnson replied, 'You mean
"Uma...Oprah"?'"

The Buffalo Bills cheerleaders have lost their corporate sponsor and may
have to disband.  "They are considering an offer form the people at
Frito-Lay," says comedy writer Jerry Perisho.  "Of course, they'd have to
adopt a new name: The Buffalo Chips."

"Only in LA".....Steve Harvey (LA Times)
After a young woman wrote a check at a clothing store in Marina del
Rey a few years back, the clerk asked to see her driver's license.
She explained apologetically that her wallet had been stolen.  But,
she added, she did have one form of ID.  "I was the May centerfold in
Playboy magazine," she said.  "I have the centerfold here in my purse
if you want to see it."  She took it out.  The smiles matched.

Students learning English at an adult school in Paramount were asked
to write letters to the City Council in support of a special parking
zone in front of the campus.  A sample letter was displayed on the
classroom bulletin board.  But the instructor apparently didn't
explain it fully.  More than 100 of the letters were signed: Sincerely
Yours, Your Name Here.

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&&&&&&&&&&&&&& 8/9/96 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Fourth rock from the sun: Scientists say a Martian meteorite proves
that life may once have existed on Mars:

"The rock's fossils of single-cell organisms can be seen in amazing detail,
rights down to their tiny 'Vote for Buchanan' buttons."

"The newly discovered Martian life is not the 'ID4' kind.  In the movie, we
kicked their butts.  With these single-cell guys, we can't find their
butts."

"A primitive, single-cell life form? Fox is already developing a sitcom to
appeal to it." (Hy Faber)

"One thing has researchers baffled: DNA samples taken from the rock match
several samples lifted from the white Bronco." (Bob Mills)

"This helps explain one bizarre life form that had previously mystified
scientists.  Marge Schott must be from the Reds planet." (Jenny Church)

"Finally we understand why Dennis Rodman dyes his hair red: He's homesick."
(Pearlstein)

"This finally explains the origin of the Jackson family." (Steve Tatham)

"The Learning Channel is now airing 'My Favorite Martian' as a documentary."
(Mills)

"Bob Dole's campaign is thrilled.  If life can be found on Mars, it can be
found in San Diego." (Argus Hamilton)

In the news: Dole proposes giving Americans a $500 tax cut for every child
they have.  Says Jay Leno, "The liberal Democrats want to give us free
condoms and the conservative Republicans want to give us 500 bucks every
time they don't work.  What a great deal!"

Good Housekeeping magazine asked Hillary Clinton and Elizabeth Dole for
their cookie recipes.  Says Hamilton, "They didn't ask Ross Perot's wife.
She has no cookie recipes- but she has a fruitcake that's all yours this
November."

Studies at Boston University and the University of Michigan show that the
hotter it is, the less women like to have sex.  Says Leno, "Boy, you thought
Bill Clinton was worried about global warming before..."

According to Alan Ray: "O.J. Simpson is criticizing drug use in Hollywood.
He can't believe what goes on in the community.  He says some actors in this
town are getting away with murder."

Jay Leno on the Lakers' Kobe Bryant: "Can you imagine, 17 years old and
you're in the NBA? When Dennis Rodman was Kobe's age, he was still wearing
a training bra."

"America On Line went down because of a computer glitch.  It took 19 hours
to remedy the problem.  One hour to fix the abnormality.  The other 18
waiting on the line for a technical support person." (Ray)

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&&&&&&&&&&&&&& 8/12/96 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

     "Yesterday, House Speaker Newt Gingrich charged that Clinton
      runs a scandal-ridden White House that is incapable of being
      a role model to kids.  Gingrich, who divorced his first wife
      while she lay in the hospital with cancer, has since changed
      his formal title to Speaker of the Glass House."

                                  Craig Kilborn on Comedy Central's
                                  "The Daily Show"

                               &&&&&&&&&&

"Baltimore chose Ravens as its new nickname to honor a deranged, twisted
man who brought our worst nightmares to life," says Peter King of Sports
Illustrated.  "Apparently, calling the team the (Art) Modells would have
been too obvious."

"NBC has announced it will cover the Republican convention the same way it
covered the Olympics," says Jay Leno," very little boxing and not
foreigners."

Let the games begin: NBC got such great ratings for its Olympic coverage,
says Argus Hamilton, "Bob Dole announced that opening night of the GOP
convention will feature women's gymnastics and swimming."

Dole has reportedly whittled his list of potential running mates to three
names.  Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "The only way he's gonna pull off the
election is if those three names are the Father, the Son and the Holy
Ghost."

Adds Bob Mills, "It's said he considered choosing a woman, but Kerri Strug's
ankle just isn't up to heavy campaigning."

Adds Valerie Marz, "If he picked Dan Quayle, they could fun as 'Dole and
Duller.'"

Martian Chronicles: The Republicans can't agree on anything, says Charlie
Rienke, "When they heard NASA say that there may have been primitive life
on Mars, they instantly broke into two groups: pro-life on Mars, and
pro-choice on Mars."

"Personally, I'm a bit of a skeptic.  Until I see photos in the National
Enquirer or the Star, count me out." (Jay Leno)

"The discovery of orange blobs and worm residue from Mars is no mystery to
wives.  Obviously, men from Mars were squeezing orange juice and said they
would clean up the mess themselves." (Cathleen Brown)

"The bad news? The Martians give 'Independence Day' a rating of 'two
tentacles down.'"

In the news: Consumer groups fear auto makers want to undermine tough state
lemon laws with a weaker federal one.  Asks Johnny Robish, "I wonder if
they've ever considered the concept of just making good cars to begin with."

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