Fun_People Archive
26 Jul
Dear Miller Brewing Company...

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 26 Jul 96 22:42:00 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: Dear Miller Brewing Company...

Forwarded-by: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Forwarded-by: "Dabe 'Dabe' Murphy" <dabe@cs.UMD.EDU>
Forwarded-by: Mike Knight <mknight@hq.af.mil>

Miller Brewing Company
Milwaukee, Wisconsin  53201

Dear Sir or Madam,

I have been a drinker of Miller beer's for many years (actually, ever
since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control
Inc. back in the mid 80's).  Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but
some time in mid 1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from
Panama.  Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD.

For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine
Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready
to enjoy a great, smooth brew.

But wait!  Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed
colors, so to speak.  That familiar gold can was no longer gold!  Knowing
that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to
reserve judgment on the new can design.  Gradually, I grew to appreciate
the new label.

That was until about May of this year.  That was when I discovered
(empirically) that I really didn't like the new design.  Further
investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following
observations:

   1. Your cans are made of aluminum.

   2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.

   3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the
      container may be exposed to sunlight.

   4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the
      surface of the can.

   5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the
      aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the can (the
      brewskie).

   6. Warm beer sucks.

This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer.  However,
this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the
damn can black!!!

Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can
and implemented the change right before summer?  Granted, this process
may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma
where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem.
There's no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put
up with.

Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm
evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive
experimentation.  The results of these experiments are listed below.

The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool.
The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party
the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38 degrees and then
left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time.  These beers were
sampled by the test subjects at different intervals.  The subjects, all
normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their
impressions of the different beers.

The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point
where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suckpoint) was
determined.  The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95
degrees.

   Beer Type                           Average Suckpoint (min)

   Miller Lite (white can)             6.2
   Bud (white can)                     5.5
   Bud Lite (silver can)               5.2
   Ice House (blue and silver can)     4.4
   Coors Lite (silver can)             4.1
   Miller Genuine Draft (black can)    2.8
   Coors (gold can)                    0.1

It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the
average suckpoint, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to
suck at any point.

It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans.  All
beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade
will thank you.

Sincerely,

Bradley Lee
Beer-drinker

© 1996 Peter Langston