Fun_People Archive
17 Jul
The Torch

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed, 17 Jul 96 16:27:39 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Torch

Forwarded-by: George Osner <gosner@ainet.com>
Forwarded-by: steinber@students.law.miami.edu (Richard S)

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 I thought you would appreciate this, especially those of you that had an
opportunity to view this "historic" event ... Accordingly, I thought you
might like to see a minute-by-minute account of what REALLY happened as the
Torch made its way through our our nation's capital:
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3:15  Torch arrives at U.S. Capitol
3:30  Torch leaves U.S. Capitol, carried by Bob Dole.
5:00  One block later, Bob Dole hands off torch.
5:15  Torch enters Northeast Washington
5:16  First recorded case of "Torch-jacking" occurs.
6:00  After massive search, Torch is found in a local pawn shop and
      repurchased for $25
6:15  Torch arrives at city hall.  Crowd is dismayed when Marion
      Barry uses it to light his crack pipe.
6:20  Barry is further embarrassed when he is stopped trying to take
      the torch to the country for "spiritual renewal".
6:30  Torch heads into Northwest Washington
6:35  Torch runner falls into D.C. pothole.
6:45  Torch is recovered (runner is never found).
6:55  Torch arrives at Dupont Circle.  Residents are proud to have
      such a high profile "flame" in their area.
7:00  Torch runner attempts to hand off flame to NBA star Juwan
      Howard.
7:01  David Falk stops the transaction, demanding $90 million over
      two years for Howard's effort.
7:21  Torch arrives at White House.
7:22  FBI files on Torch arrive White House.
7:23  Hillary fires Torch, citing "gross mismanagement and bad
      record keeping".
7:24  "Torchgate" hearings begin on Capitol Hill.
7:30  Torch leaves White House, heads across the Mall.
7:32  Torch runner is knocked unconscious by long pop-fly hit by
      "With Ourselves" star, John Mechem
7:35  Torch is handed to Republican Presidential candidate, Pat
      Buchanan.
7:36  Series of mysterious fires at black churches begins along
      Torch route.
8:00  Torch heads for Virginia.
8:15  Crossing the 14th Street Bridge, Torch is accidentally
      dropped into Potomac -- entire surface of river immediately
      ignites.
8:45  After being recovered by ValuJet divers, Torch enters
      Virginia. Upon crossing state line, runner is immediately
      assessed personal property tax on torch.
8:47  Runner attempts to hand torch to Virginia Senator John
      Warner. Warner refuses, saying he cannot, in good conscience,
      support this torch.
9:00  Torch is retired for the evening.  USOC vows never to set foot
      in the D.C. area again

© 1996 Peter Langston