Fun_People Archive
11 Jul
The Comedian's Eye View from 7/11/96

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 11 Jul 96 02:55:12 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View from 7/11/96

Excerpted-from: 7/11/96 -- ShopTalk
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In the News: Israeli leader Benjamin Netanyahu visits the White House today.
Says Argus Hamilton, "Two nannies who worked for him are trashing his wife
and now his mistress is giving interviews.  He and Clinton should get along
fine."

In Australia, a dominatrix named Madame Lash is running for the Senate.
Says Cutler, "If elected, she'll become majority whip."

The high-IQ organization Mensa held a convention recently.  Says Alan Ray,
"They met to seek the answer to one of life's most perplexing questions:
'Why won't you go out with me?'"

Hollywood revisionists have made an industry out of turning classic downers
like "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" and "The Scarlet Letter" into feel-good
films.  Says Art Montag, "Next up is 'Crime and Punishment,' which will end
with Raskolnikov searching for the real killer on the 18th hole."

OJ Simpson celebrated his 49th birthday on Tuesday:

"His friends sang 'Happy Birthday' and presented him with a cake-
presliced." (Alex Kaseberg)

"Johnnie Cochran showed up with a life-size cutout of Mark Fuhrman for the
second annual game of Pin the Tale on the Honkie."  (Kaseberg)

Word around Hollywood is that Robert De Niro is set to star I a remake of
"Moby Dick." Says Rudolph Cecera, "Boy...you though he gained a lot of
weight for 'Raging Bull.'"

MTV is adding a new all-music channel aimed at younger viewers.  Says Steve
Tatham, "Next, they'll add one for even younger viewers that will play
nothing but sonograms."

ID4: "Independence Day" is such a smash, says Jay Leno, "Today the aliens
came back to say 'Look, we want our cut of the dough...'"

"These aliens want to use up our natural resources, lay waste to our big
cities and refuse to negotiate with the president.  Is this a movie, or an
attack ad by the Democrats?" (Cutler)

"In the original script, space aliens destroyed the White House in a more
conventional fashion.  They appointed a special prosecutor." (Ray)

"In the sequel, Bob Dole is president.  He convinces the invaders that
smoking is safe, and they all get emphysema and die."  (Leno)

© 1996 Peter Langston