Fun_People Archive
21 Jun
The Comedian's Eye View from 6/24/96

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 21 Jun 96 16:20:04 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View from 6/24/96

Excerpted-from: 6/24/96 -- ShopTalk

"Madonna and I are good friends, but we're very different, you know.
 She sleeps with her trainer; I ignore mine."
				- Rosie O'Donnell

In the news: In his visit to the Lockheed-Martin missile plant, Bob Dole
received a model of the Hubble telescope. Says Paul Steinberg, "It was
appropriate.  The Hubble has vision problems too."

President Clinton called a meeting about the epidemic of fires at black
churches.  Asks the Cutler Daily Scoop, "What's he gonna do? He can't even
put out all the fires at the White House."

The Olympic torch spent the night on the White House lawn. "To keep it from
going out," says Argus Hamilton, "Bill and Hillary spent all night throwing
old files onto the flame."

Hillary Clinton's press secretary has resigned.  Says Alex Pearlstein, "She
wanted to try out a less stressful job.  Unfortunately, the Acapulco Cliff
Divers weren't hiring this year."

A new study shows women living longer, an average of 79 years.  That's seven
years longer than men.  Says Cutler, "Men are trying to break through the
glass coffin."

Campbell's is introducing 19 new kinds of soup.  Says Jay Leno, "They're
trying to attract a hipper, high-tech customer.  The alphabet soup now has
spell check."

Heinz, the catsup people, is giving $450,000 to the National Endowment for
the Arts.  Says Steinberg, "The gift will come out veeeery slowly...a dollar
a year for the next 450,000 years."

Members of the X-rated video industry descended on Sacramento to lobby
against stricter regulations.  Says Michael X. Ferraro, "It was a scene
straight from 'Day of the Lowcuts.'"

Biologists says birds in Florida are building nests out of garbage.  Says
Alan Ray, "This is quite different from human behavior.  They put their
trash on tree limbs- we put ours on TV."

Rhythm method: More thought inspired by news that a guy in Hungary
invented a musical condom:

"Instead of ribs, it has frets?" (Bill Williams)

"It'll play various songs, but most guys will have to settle for Randy
Newman's 'Short People.'" (Paul Ecker)

© 1996 Peter Langston