Fun_People Archive
13 Jun
The Comedian's Eye View from 6/13/96

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 13 Jun 96 00:19:34 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View from 6/13/96

Excerpted-from: 6/13/96 -- ShopTalk

Doled Out: They had a big good-bye party Tuesday as Bob Dole left Congress
after 35 years.

"He needed three moving trucks to haul everything from his Senate office-
one for furniture and files and two for his pension." (Brad Halpern)

"Many people bid him emotional farewells.  Most of them were lobbyists."
(Gary Easley)

"Among his going-away presents were Jesse Helms' trusty old 'majority whip,'
a half-finished bottle of premium Scotch from Ted Kennedy, a 'Feinstein for
Governor' button, some stock tips from Al D'Amato and a bottle of Strom
Thurmond's 'orangutan orange' hair dye."  (Alex Pearlstein)

"He only hopes November will bring him a welcome-back party just as nice."
(Rudolph J. Cecera)

In the news: This week's Time magazine lists the most powerful people in
the country.

"Bill Clinton is No. 1. He was originally No. 12, but that was before he
got the FBI files on every Republican in Washington."  (Argus Hamilton)

"Why is Bill Clinton on that list? Because God still owes him money."
(Jenny Church)

"Courtney Love was listed as one of the 25 most influential.  She's done
something very few members of her generation have done: moved out of her
parents' house."  (Alan Ray)

"Courtney Love, one of the most influential?  Maybe one of the 25 most
under-the-influence people..." (Jay Leno)

Fires have burned more than 37,000 acres in Alaska.  Says Ray, "The tourist
board is giving it a positive spin, advertising 'You don't need a coat.'"

There's a documentary on Marge Schott in the works.  Asks Alex Kaseberg,
"Haven't we had enough talking-pig movies for a while?"

In California, marine biologists are searching for an 1,800-pound male sea
lion that is believed to have harmed 250 female sea lions by crushing them
with his inept male attempts.  Says Dennis Miller, "Scientists say all they
know about him is that he's a Gemini, wears Aramis cologne and always
answers his cell phone by saying 'What can I do ya for?"

© 1996 Peter Langston