Fun_People Archive
7 Jun
Misc Jokes for 6/6/96 (okay, so I'm a little late...)

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri,  7 Jun 96 03:29:05 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: Misc Jokes for 6/6/96 (okay, so I'm a little late...)

An East Berliner going to a bar parks his bike next to the wall.

He comes back.  There's no bicycle... and no wall!

------------------------------

"Workers of the world, we're sorry!" --Soviet protestor's slogan

------------------------------


Dr. Alexei Izyuromov of the Canada-US Institute in Moscow, recently related
the following joke that was making the rounds among Soviet journalists:

Under Brezhnev, the Soviet economy was led to the edge of an abyss. But under
Gorbachev's policies, they have taken one great leap forward.

------------------------------

1: Did you hear what happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his
   exorcist?
2: No, what?
3: He was repossessed.

------------------------------


	There was once was an old man from Esser
	Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser
		It at last grew so small,
		He knew nothing at all
	And now he's a college Professor.

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Seen on a bakery delivery truck:

Cakes 66 cents
Upsidedown cakes 99 cents.

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Two golfers were playing along somewhere near the edge of the course. One
of them gazed across the fence and remarked, "Look at those idiots over
there ice skating in this blizzard!"

------------------------------


Little Freddy goes into the Hardware store, and says "I'd like to buy some
nails" and the storekeeper says, "Freddy, you'll have to be more specific
than that.  I've got dozens of different types of nails; I mean, what sort
of head, what diameter, how long would you want them?"  Freddy thinks for
a moment and says: "Well, I'd like round heads, 1/8" diameter, and they're
to build a house with, so I'd like to keep them if it's alright with you..."

------------------------------


As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as
easy to get programs right as we had thought.  Debugging had to be discovered.
I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life
from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs.

-- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949

------------------------------


My nomination for the quote of the (litigious) 1980's is:

"Hey, Steve, just because you broke into Xerox's store before I did and took
the TV doesn't mean I can't go in later and steal the stereo."

Bill Gates, Microsoft, 3/14/89--as quoted in MacWEEK, 1/9/90 p. 23

------------------------------


How about the best response to an unwanted pickup?

Man:  Hey, darlin' ... So what do you do for a living?
Woman: Female impersonator.

------------------------------

	"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us.
	Pigs treat us as equals."
		- Winston Churchill

------------------------------

	"I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we
	would get somewhere."
		- James Thurber

------------------------------


I found the following professionally printed handbill posted on a door in the
Georgetown physiology department.

Did you know?

		      EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD
			      IS BAKED,
			    APPROXIMATELY
			150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
				KILLED.

		 Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
		  "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
	-- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.

"A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't."

		+------------------------------------+
		| Evening showing in Johnson & Wales |
		|    Pirsig Auditorium: 7PM, 4/19    |
		+------------------------------------+


			     SPONSORED BY
		Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
	       Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
	      Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
		   Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
=================================================================

   Defend all life: 'from greatest to least, from human to yeast!"

	    This poster printed on 100% yeast-free paper.

------------------------------


A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library.

------------------------------


A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.

------------------------------


An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.  -- Van Roy

------------------------------


Auditors always reject expense accounts with a bottom line divisible by five.

------------------------------


Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

------------------------------


Heat expands:  In the summer the days are longer.

------------------------------


I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma.
-- the Wizard of Oz

------------------------------


I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

------------------------------


It takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. -- Mark
Twain

------------------------------


It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.

------------------------------


Now and then an innocent person is sent to the Legislature.

------------------------------


Only fools are quoted.  -- Anonymous

------------------------------


Someday you'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.


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