Fun_People Archive
7 Jun
Jewish Personal Ads

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri,  7 Jun 96 02:56:14 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: Jewish Personal Ads

[A little Yiddish (and a little Hebrew) will go a long way in these...  -psl]

Forwarded-by: jbalch@rci.ripco.com (Jeff Balch)

   JEWISH PERSONAL ADS
    -------------------

   Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major
   Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties.  POB 27.

   I was reform as an embryo, conservative as a fetus, orthodox from
   birth.  Seeking same.  POB 46.

   Your place or mine?  Divorced man, 42, with fleishig dishes only.
   Seeking woman with nice milchig set.  Object macaroni.  POB 77.

   Professional Jewish athlete, winner of Davis Cup, America Cup,
   Stanley Cup.  Seeking non-Jewish woman.  Goyishe Cup.  POB 58.

   Nice Jewish accountant, 31.  Looking for a "10", 25-30, 5'-5'6",
   95-105 lbs., 36-24-36, area code 212, 718, or 201.  I've got your
   number.  POB 1099.

   Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get.
   Get it?  I'll show you mine if you show me yours.  POB 72.

   Desperately seeking shmoozing!  Retired senior citizen desires
   female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, krechtzing.  Under
   30 is also OK.  POB 64.

   If you can't stand the heat, get out of the blech.  Heimishe
   balabusta, 39, will cook you such a tzimmes.  Hurry, it's getting
   cold.  POB 96.

   Eh, shalom aleichem... So maybe you want to meet me, although all
   right, you probably don't.  Nu, so if you change your mind, maybe
   epess you'll write me, but if not, it's OK, I understand.  My
   name is Shaya Bochur.  POB 55.

   Successful orthodox diamond cutter.  Both Shea and Yankee
   Stadium.  No Shabbos games.  Will not mow lawn during s'firah.
   Seeking wife.  POB 41.

   Matzo supplier, 53, seeks cloth bag manufacturer.  Let's play
   "Hide the Afikomen."  POB 67.

   Looking for a great husband?  "Mr. Dependable," always there for
   you.  A faithful companion at all times.  Your salvation in any
   emergency.  No Saturday or Holiday calls, please.  POB 92.

   Agnostic dyslexic insomniac male, seeks similar female to stay up
   all night to discuss whether or not there really is a DOG.  POB 83.

   Can't meet women?
   Want to meet women?
   Ready to meet women?
   Join Amit Women.  POB 60.

   Conservative rabbi, 45, I count women for the minyan and call
   them up to the Torah.  Seeking female to make aliyah.  POB 50.

   Sincere rabbinical student, 27.  Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av,
   Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar
   B'Tammuz.  Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane.
   POB 90.

   Shul gabbai, 36.  I take out the Torah Saturday morning.  Would
   like to take you out Saturday night.  Please write.  POB 81.

   Single, attractive, successful, self-absorbed woman, 34, seeks to
   save money by spending yours.  POB 27.

   Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos.  Seeks same in
   woman.  POB 43.

   Israeli woman, 28, works behind falafel counter in pizza shop,
   looking for Jewish man with sense of humus.  POB 789.

   You're probably wondering why an accomplished PhD, LLB, MBA,
   DDS, MD, and Rhodes Scholar like me isn't married yet.  I'm a
   meeskite.  POB 766.

   Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant, squeezable
   esrog.  Let's do hoshanas together.  Pitum a must.  POB 677.

   Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful
   Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house.  POB 843.

   What's a menorah without it's shammes?  Available Jewish woman,
   37, seeks man to light her fire.  POB 566.

   Worried about in-law meddling?  I'm an orphan!  Write.  POB 74.

   I enjoy long walks, candlelight dinners, sailing, travel to
   Europe, and I think this ad should be in New York Magazine
   instead.  Sorry.

   Classy carrot seeking sugar daddy to make tzimmes together.
   Prunes need not apply.  POB 66.

   I've had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and
   four of the ten plagues.  Now I'm ready to settle down.  So where
   are all the nice Jewish men hiding?  POB 68.

   Nice Jewish guy, 38.  No skeletons.  No baggage.  No personality.
   POB 78.

   Jewish man, watches TV on Friday night with time clock, eats fish
   at non-kosher restaurants, doesn't wear yarmulke at work.  Modern
   Orthodox.  POB 98.

   Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last
   week?  You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your
   gefilte fish, but you never returned.  How can I contact you
   again?  (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie).  POB 766.

   Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest.  Doesn't
   believe women should be treated like a piece of meat.  Seeks
   glatt kosher maydl for marriage.  POB 99.

   Kiss me, kiss my mezuzah.  Sincere Jewish female, 29, looking for
   honest, hard working, observant Jewish zivig to share Shabbos,
   yom tov, mikvah.  POB 322.

   Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of
   dybbuks, seeks mench.  No weirdos, please.  POB 56.

   Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will
   accept my independence, although you probably will not.  Oh, just
   forget it.  POB 435.

   Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light
   Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together,
   attend brisses, bar mitzvahs.  Religion not important.  POB 658.

   Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah
   candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles.  Seeks non-smoker.
   POB 787.

   Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind.
   Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.
   POB 555.

   SFDJMBA -- Do I have to spell out everything for you?  POB 333.

   Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce.  Let's try
   it for eight days.  Who knows?  POB 43.

   BT with TB seeks FFB RN with RX of TLC.  Initially I'm a nice
   guy.  POB 676.

   80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male,
   under 35.  Object matrimony.  I can dream, can't I?  POB 545.

   I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to.
   Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets.  Confide in
   me.  I'll understand your insecurities.  No fatties, please.  POB 86.

   Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made.
   Looking for girl whose father will hire me.  POB 53.

   Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing,
   track and field.  Has slight limp.  POB 76.

   F u cn rd ths, u r stndg too cls.  POB 44.

   I get too hungry for Diva at 8.  I love The Phantom and never
   come late.  Won't dish the dirt 'cause it's housework I hate.
   That's why the lady is a JAP.  POB 456.

   All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out.
   Jewish woman, 37, never married.  Seeks divorce.  POB 655.

© 1996 Peter Langston