Fun_People Archive
5 Jun
The Comedian's Eye View from 6/5/96

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed,  5 Jun 96 09:45:07 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View from 6/5/96

Excerpted-from: 6/5/96 -- ShopTalk

      "The Hollywood reasoning then, like now, was that if a stinker like
      'Cocktail' could take off at the ticket counter, that (Tom) Cruise
      was truly bad-movieproof...No fuss. No risk.  No thinking.  Well
      folks, I'm here to tell you that 'Mission Impossible' makes 'Cocktail'
      look and sound like Anton Chekhov."
				- Andrew Sarris in the New York Observer


In the news: Bob Dole met with Mother Teresa for an hour.  Says Bob Mills,
"She offered the candidate advice on conducting an honest and forthright
campaign and he gave her some of Newt's tips on handling the poor."

"I think a marriage is between a man and a woman," Newt Gingrich told "Meet
the Press."  Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "Funny for Newt's first wife it
was between a woman and a louse."

Sizzler has filed for bankruptcy protection.  Says Steve Tatham, "That's
what happens when you open an all-you-can-eat restaurant so close to the
White House."

Yasser Arafat flew to London this week to insist that he did not kill the
Mideast peace process.  Says Argus Hamilton, "Today he faces the Oxford
Debating Society.  They want him to try on the bloody glove."

It was this week in 1888 that the baseball poem "Casey at the Bat" first
appeared in a newspaper.  Says Jerry Perisho, "If it were written today, it
would be called 'Casey at His Agent's Office Determining How Much He Should
Get Every Time He Goes To Bat."

Adds Charlie Reinke, "And today, after Casey struck out he would immediately
enter a substance-abuse program."

Scientists are seeing the first signs that the hole in the ozone layer is
beginning to get smaller.  Give credit to Hollywood producers, says Bill
Williams.  "They're using so much minoxidil that the fumes are starting to
shrink the sky's bald spot."

Due to the overwhelming success of the Tony-winning musical "Rent" (about
troubled young people), Tatham says they are working on a sequel about
troubled middle-aged people, to be called "Mortgage."

Fox TV has canceled "America's Most Wanted."  Says Alan Ray, "You could tell
the show was in big trouble.  During the last few episodes, police went
looking for an audience."

And "The X-Files" is being moved from Friday to Sunday.  Says Dennis Miller,
"'X-Files' fans are upset, because they usually spend Sunday nights putting
aluminum foil on their heads, standing naked in a field and trying to
contact Zoltar the Warp Master."

© 1996 Peter Langston