Fun_People Archive
17 May
President Clinton Resigns

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 17 May 96 13:04:38 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: President Clinton Resigns

Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <doylej@PEAK.ORG>

[Note - for the benefit of international readers (and clueless Americans),
        Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole resigned as U.S. Senator
        and Senate Majority Leader yesterday, in favor of his campaign - ed.]


               President Clinton Resigns

by Sandy Maschan <smaschan@ix.netcom.com>

  WASHINGTON, May 16 - President Clinton today announced his resignation
from the Presidency of the United States of America. In a move that stunned
the nation and the world, the President declared that if he is to win his
re-election, he will need to muster all the resources he can.

Accordingly, he has given up his full-time activities of the office in order
to handle the challenge to his ex-seat by former Senator Bob Dole.  One of
the ex-President's closest advisors, who spoke only on the condition of
anonymity, commented, "The (ex-) President can't possibly handle the duties
of the Presidency while simultaneously submitting himself to the grueling
Presidential campaign.  With the chores of the office behind him, he will
more effectively be able to use his energies to re-earn the Presidency."

Former Senator Bob Dole said, "It's obvious that the former President is a
follower and not a leader.  Bob Dole is a leader. He quit his job so he
could get another one.  So I ask the American people, who are you going to
vote for?  Bob Dole?  Or a quitter, a follower, some one without a vision?
The former President is playing politics again.  He saw what a bold
statement Bob Dole made, and now he's attempting to co-opt it for his own.
Like he did with the crime bill.  Like he did with welfare.  Like he did
with those other things."

Mr. Dole also wryly observed: "While there's no place like home, I'm not
going back to Kansas any time soon.  Except to campaign, of course."

Pundits noted that the former Senator's announcement came on the heels of
the annual television broadcast of 'The Wizard of Oz'.  That has prompted
many to question if that was an influential factor for the former six-term
Senator from Kansas.

In his own statement, Mr. Clinton said, "There's no place like Washington.
There's no place like Washington, so I'm not going to Kansas; or Arkansas.
Except to campaign, of course."

The swift counter to Mr. Dole's resignation announcement yesterday is
considered to be the most forceful response to GOP election strategy yet.
Shocked Democrats huddled closely to study the implications of this move.
Praising the action as a stroke of genius, Senate minority leader Tom
Daschle, of South Dakota, said, "Only the President could have resigned the
Presidency, and we are behind him 100% in his bid to be elected again to
the highest office in our land."

Scholars of the Constitution quietly consulted one another to ascertain the
implications for Al Gore, the new President.  Should Mr. Clinton win the
election in November, thus relegating Mr. Gore back to his former status of
Vice President, it is unclear whether or not Mr. Gore would be eligible for
election to two additional terms in the office of the Presidency.  It is
widely assumed that Mr. Gore will seek election to the Presidency in 2000,
as the consensus among Beltway insiders is that he covets the position of
the most powerful person in the whole, entire, really big world.

In the interim, Americans are in for what promises to be a season of
spectacular campaigning, judging from the opening moves played thus far.

© 1996 Peter Langston