Fun_People Archive
9 May
Stupid Criminal Tricks (from the Criminal Hall of Shame)

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu,  9 May 96 13:35:13 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: Stupid Criminal Tricks (from the Criminal Hall of Shame)

Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <doylej@PEAK.ORG>
Forwarded-by: Guenther Stotzky <stotzky@is2.NYU.EDU>
Forwarded-by: Stephan Gross <sg@skynet2.att.com>

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a
chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of
pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off
their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain
still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the
chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
  [Editor's Note 1: And they wonder why we call them "Yahoos" ...]

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of
cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard
cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all
the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--
leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at
customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs
official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The
customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he
does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided
that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So
she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when
you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that
the camel's name was "Otto."
  [Editor's Note 2: She might not have gotten much milk from Otto, but she
   probably made a friend for life while trying ...]

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western
movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who
wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages
rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a
check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced
a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that
he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and
stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was
recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere
in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.
The police, however, *did*.)

(Location Unknown):  A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through
a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process.  He
then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2)
he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and
(3) he was bleeding pretty badly.  So he located a phone and dialed "911"
for help ...

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a
refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator
from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup.  The truck promptly
got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator
was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the
refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to
realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store
similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When
the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all
the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took
the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The
total amount of cash he got from the drawer?  Fifteen dollars.

© 1996 Peter Langston