Fun_People Archive
26 Apr
The Comedian's Eye View - 4/29/96

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 26 Apr 96 17:42:57 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View - 4/29/96

Excerpted-from: 4/29/96 -- ShopTalk

In the News: As he signed the anti-terrorist bill, President Clinton issued
a warning to terrorists.  Says Argus Hamilton, "There are marauders who
have vowed to wreck the American way of life.  They don't think CEO's can
do it alone."

"To show that their hearts are in the right place," says Paul Ryan,
"Republicans scaled back their welfare reform proposal to allow unwed
teenage mothers to eat leftovers from their $50,000-a-plate fund-raisers."

Thursday was Take Our Daughters to Work Day.  Says Kenny Noble, "Gas
stations took a different approach and celebrated Take Your Parents to the
Cleaners Day."

The suspected Unabomber once wrote to the Montana Health Department asking
about the danger of contracting rabies from skunks.  Says Bob Mills, "he
must have sensed that sooner or later he'd be caught and have to deal with
lawyers."

The annual stockholders meeting of Philip Morris had very tight security,
including metal detectors.  Says Steve Tatham, "Luckily for attendees, they
did not have smoke detectors."

The Dodgers are about to start a World Wide Web site on the Internet. Says
Tony Peyser, "It'll get more hits the first day than the team has had all
season."

A survey shows that women are more likely than men to survive desperate
times.  Adds Noble, "But most will be happy to make it through the NBA
playoffs."

Going, going...As the Jackie O. auction rolls on, a silver tape measure
from Tiffany's sold for about $49,000.  Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "A
tape measure?  Jacqueline Onassis?  She probably thought Bob Vila was a
summer home in the South of France.  And 50 grand for a tape measure?  She
must have had the same contractors I used."

Adds Alex Pearlstein, "Someone bid $2 million for Jackie's exquisite
Marilyn Monroe voodoo doll."

© 1996 Peter Langston