Fun_People Archive
15 Apr
Five Star Trek Top 10s

Date: Mon, 15 Apr 96 16:13:03 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: Five Star Trek Top 10s

Forwarded-by: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Forwarded-by: Rob Mayoff <mayoff@tkg.com>
Forwarded-by: Sarah W. Herbst, wendy@eden.com
Forwarded-by: silver <silver@eden.com>
Forwarded-by: Kimberly M Antell <hfkma@utxdp.dp.utexas.edu>
From: the DS9 mailing list:

TOP TEN SCENES CUT FROM VOYAGER PREMIERE

10. Pre-mission briefing in which Starfleet Security places top-secret
    surveillance equipment inside Janeway's massive hairdo
 9. All three Neelix reggae numbers
 8. Kes being brought back from brink of death by audicence clapping and
    repeating "I do believe in fairies! I do believe in fairies!"
 7. Chakotay's Indian wrestling pitted against Tuvok's Vulcan neck pinch
 6. The holographic toupee
 5. Cleverly disguised product placement in which Torres' human side likes
    the whole wheat goodness, while her Klingon side likes the frosting
 4. Christening of ship by Admiral Saavik
 3. Scene with Tom Paris' prison cellmate, Berlinghoff Rasmussen
 2. Humorous interlude when Horta officer gets drunk off of ship's neural
    gel-packs
 1. Chakotay's OTHER tattoo

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
TOP TEN BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING A STAR TREK FAN ONLINE

10. Internet allows you to nitpick actors' performances before they air
 9. You'll never be again placed in embarrassing situation by not being
    able to think of way to incoporate "Spam" into conversations
 8. Cyber-Shatner actually 15% leaner
 7. Unlike conventions, can discuss Star Trek without rigorous social
    demands like eye contact.
 6. Lingering hope that, with a fast enough modem, you might actually
    be beamed into the Star Trek universe
 5. "Simming" allows you to see what a starship would be like if run by
    Three Stooges
 4. Online hugs, kisses carry little or no risk of infectious disease
    transmission
 3. Maybe that person you impressed online will turn out to be Bill Gates,
    who will order truckloads of money delivered to your home
 2. It's cheaper than phone sex, also more satisfying
 1. No one has to know that your "Starfleet uniform" really consists of
    Underoos and your mothers' lavender gardening gloves

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
TOP TEN WORST THINGS ABOUT BEING A STAR TREK FAN ONLINE

10. Most major online services will still kick you off for wanton use of
    the term "Koenig"
 9. Meet guy who claims to be Rick Berman; it turns out it's 12-year-old
    Norwegian girl
 8. Modern technology does not allow Patrick Stewart to send e-mail in
    rich, Shakespearean accent
 7. People who can't spell "Troi"
 6. America Online guides constantly telling people to "check TOS,"
    without providing suggestions as to which episodes
 5. Babylon-5 fans still allowed to roam freely, without medication
 4. Being called a "cyber-geek" at school hurts just as much as when they
    just called you "geek"
 3. Morons who drop in to a room, hang out for an hour, then say "Star
    Treck sux. Get a life, loosers."
 2. Fingertip chafing
 1. Suggestive e-mail to Gates McFadden can result in FBI monitoring

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
TOP TEN THINGS THAT KEEP RICK BERMAN AWAKE AT NIGHT

10. Drive-by laser attacks from bitter Babylon-5 fans
 9. Lingering heartburn from Paramount commissary chili
 8. Secret fear that his parents were members of Q Continuum
 7. Drunken fans who call looking for Spock's phone number
 6. When Michael Medved criticizes lack of proper values in Duras family
 5. Rosemary Clooney's demand for a cameo in next movie
 4. Nervous tic when comparing Patrick Stewart's salary to own
 3. His invisible Pakled friend Bertie
 2. Nagging feeling that heavy workload is hampering his singing career
 1. Due to poorly-negotiated contract, must work Wednesdays and Fridays
    as night watchman at studio lot

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
TOP TEN STARFLEET GENERAL ORDERS OTHER THAN THE PRIME DIRECTIVE

10. Order 13: No flag officer shall be required to perform a fan-dance
 9. Order 101: No transmissions on an open channel may contain the term
    "gnarly"
 8. Order 4: Pony tails are only allowed for personnel who have whacked
    a guy with a bat'leth
 7. Order 21: Phaser rifles may no longer be used to warm cheeseburgers
 6. Order 993: During first contact situations, senior officers are
    discouraged from telling alien races that they "smell like old socks"
 5. Medical Regulation 702-B: All cheese products must report for annual
    physical
 4. Order 218: Unused bridge stations be used for "Mortal Kombat" tournaments
    only in drydock
 3. Order 8: When the Prime Directive is violated, the nearest starbase
    shall convene a court-martial to determine if it was a dramatic necessity
 2. Order 66: When in a parking orbit over a non-Federation world, "The
    Club" should be locked in position over Conn and Ops stations
 1. Order 231: If bridge officers wish to chew gum, they must bring enough
    for entire bridge crew

© 1996 Peter Langston