Fun_People Archive
12 Apr
Oh, those wacky british...

Date: Fri, 12 Apr 96 16:59:47 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: Oh, those wacky british...

Forwarded-by: Daniel Steinberg <dss@opcode.com>
From: Cass Dempsey <CCDEMP@ccmail.monsanto.com>


The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently
been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers".  Under the
government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant
through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of
a proxy father- a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's
problem by impregnating the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due
to arrive.  Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off.  The
government man should be here soon."  Moments later a door-to-door baby
photographer rings the bell................


Ms Smith:  "Good morning."

Salesman:  "Good morning, madam.  You don't know me, but I've come
            to....."

Ms Smith:  "No need to explain,  I've been expecting you."

Salesman:  "Really?  Well, good.  I've made a specialty of babies,
            especially twins."

Ms Smith:  "That's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in
            and have a seat."

Salesman:   (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"

Ms Smith:  "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this
            is the right thing to do."

Salesman:  "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."

Ms Smith:   (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"

Salesman:  "Leave everything to me.  I usually try two in the bathtub,
            one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes
            the living room floor allows the subject to really spread
            out."

Ms Smith:  "Bathtub, living room floor?  No wonder it hasn't worked
            for Harry and me."

Salesman:  "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one
            every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot
            from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with
            the results.  In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to
            please.'"

Ms Smith:  "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"

Salesman:  "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take
            his time.  I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but
            you'd be disappointed with that."

Ms Smith:  "Don't I know!  Have you had much success at this?"

Salesman:   (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just
            look at this picture.  Believe it or not, it was done on
            top of a bus in downtown London."

Ms Smith:  "Oh, my!!"

Salesman:  "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town.
            They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
            mother was so difficult to work with."

Ms Smith:  "She was?"

Salesman:  "Yes, I'm afraid so.  I finally had to take her down to
            Hyde Park to get the job done right.  I've never worked
            under such impossible conditions.  People were crowding
            around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

Ms Smith:  "Four and five deep?"

Salesman:  "Yes and for more than three hours, too.  The mother got so
            excited she started bouncing around, squealing and
            yelling at the crowd.  I couldn't concentrate.  I'm afraid
            I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her.  By that time
            darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots.
            When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just
            packed it all in."

Ms Smith:  "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"

Salesman:  "That's right, but it's all in a day's work.  I consider my
            work a pleasure.  I've spent years perfecting my patented
            technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front
            window of a big department store."

Ms Smith:  "I just can't believe it."

Salesman:  "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that
            we can get to work."

Ms Smith:  "TRIPOD?!?"

Salesman:  "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on.
            It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm
            shooting.  Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!

© 1996 Peter Langston