Fun_People Archive
2 Mar
bukkk-canon rides again

Date: Sat, 2 Mar 96 12:29:57 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: bukkk-canon rides again

Forwarded-by: Lani Herrmann <lanih@info.sims.berkeley.edu>
Forwarded-by: jmichael@sas.upenn.edu (Jennifer L Michael)
Forwarded-by: Lisa Ratmansky
Forwarded-by: Kristine Lynn Rabberman
 

    [The Philadelphia Inquirer]                                 National

                                            Wednesday, February 28, 1996

        He's taking back America. From whom? Just be ready to shoot.
                   Out there, Buchanan's going great guns

 [Image]  Back at the start of the revolution in the fall of 1994, I drove
          clear across this great land of ours for the first time, my
friends. And what I saw, from sea to shining sea, was the future.

I saw God. I saw guns. And I knew it was morning in America.

Newt Gingrich was just the start. We couldn't have known it then, but here
it is, barely a year later, and Newt has been roped right off his horse and
hogtied.

Not by Bob Dole. Not by Phil Gramm. Not Lamar Alexander or Steve Forbes, the
Arizona primary results notwithstanding.

Only one man had big enough spurs for the job.

Pat Buchanan.

If you have driven across the Southwest, you know there is nothing to do
between Los Angeles and New Orleans but shoot cans off rocks, go to church,
and pray that the Mexicans don't come any closer.

Pat Buchanan isn't a presidential candidate.

He's the Messiah.

Forbes has peaked now, and Buchanan, with the South ahead, is just getting
started.

On Monday he was at the O.K. Corral in Tombstone, Ariz., in cowboy getup,
complete with six-shooter. On Sunday he was at a Phoenix gun show. A man
named Barney Fagan was there with a 400-year-old match-light gun and a ready
quote for a reporter who asked why he liked Pat.

``I'm tired of a bleeding heart, left-leaning, pinko, Commie, bedwetter for
a president,'' Barney said.

Lock and load. It's a long dusty road, but Pat is taking back America.

>From whom, I'm not sure. But someone must have it, because he keeps talking
about taking it back with a new conservatism of the heart. The main feature
of which will be to shoot on sight.

The way it will work is that Barney Fagan and thousands of other soldiers
like him will be stationed at the borders with pitchforks, muskets, shotguns
and cannons.

Women and gays will not be allowed to serve in the Buchanan militia,
although women and blacks will run the food service program, and the policy
toward Jews will be Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell.

The mission, of course, will be twofold.

First, to keep anyone from entering the country, which they are not likely
to do if they peek across the border and see what looks like the combined
casts from Dukes of Hazzard and Hee-Haw.

And second, to keep corporate executives from leaving the country and taking
jobs with them. Unless they are affiliated in any way, shape or form, with
Taco Bell.

The problem with shutting yourself off from the rest of the world, as
Buchanan would have us do, is figuring out where to draw the line. For
instance, do you shut down the Honda automobile plants, kick the owners out
of the country, and send the workers home?

If you put a tariff on imports, won't those countries put a bigger tariff on
our exports? And in the end, wouldn't Pat Buchanan's prescription for
blue-collar blues -- protectionism -- kill the patient?

Of course it would.

But who cares?

Get mad. Get even.

The more outrageous the solution the better. Besides, in the group of stiffs
running for president, all you have to do is prove you've got blood in your
veins. Even if it doesn't flow to the brain.

In New Hampshire, Bob Dole, in one of the more remarkable moments in the
entire history of American politics, said he didn't understand all this fuss
about the economy.

It could have been worse. Bob could have said that after a hard day on the
campaign trail, he likes to wear pantyhose and kick small dogs.

In one of the more entertaining aspects of the campaign, wounded Republican
candidates, most of whom made or supported an antigay pledge at a church in
Iowa two weeks ago, are now branding Buchanan an extremist.

It's sort of like Fanne Foxe and Jessica Hahn calling Heidi Fleiss a slut.

The problem with the other candidates is that they don't understand anger
and hatred as well as Pat Buchanan does. In the absence of solutions to the
problems of the day, the next-best policy is to stand up, point a finger and
scream.

And it's always best, while closing borders, bashing gays, calling Hitler a
great soldier, and explaining why Englishmen would make better Americans
than Zulus, to do so in the name of Christianity.

Lock and load. Saddle up and ride to the nearest border.

We're in a cultural war, my friends, and our best weapons are God and guns.

It's morning in America.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------
        Philadelphia Online -- The Philadelphia Inquirer, National --
                   Copyright Wednesday, February 28, 1996

© 1996 Peter Langston