Fun_People Archive
9 Feb
But that's how we used to do it...

Date: Fri, 9 Feb 96 13:31:33 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: But that's how we used to do it...

Forwarded-by: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: haynes@xis.xerox.com (Dawn {bob} Haynes)
Forwarded-by: rc@xis.xerox.com (Bob Cooperman)
From: larry@merakusa.com (Dr. Nuketopia)

Want power and respect?  Want to influence the course of world events?
Want to be on CNN every night? Tired of hum-drum conventional warfare and
messy bio-chemical weapons? Want to watch the citizens of your favorite
arcology squirm and sweat in constant nagging fear of instant and
unexpected anhilation?

Lease a nuclear device!

In the wake of the former Soviet Union's demise, there are literally
thousands of high-quality nuclear weapons complete with intercontinental
delivery systems going unused.

Though these systems are indeed powerful and destructive weapons of war,
they are most effective when used in a more passive role. The US and USSR
have proven in years of research and actual testing that nuclear devices
are most effective when merely targeting an enemy. Actual detonation is
not normally necessary to acheive tremendous effect in the designated
target's military, political, economic and social well being.

Imagine the boost in national pride and morale when you personally
announce on state radio and television that you have put long-time enemies
under threat of nuclear destruction. They will praise your name as a
powerful and inspired leader even without the secret police's
encouragement.

Why lease?

By leasing, you not only save money developing your own nuclear technology
program, you save a lot of unnecessary headaches too.

Nuclear weapons development is expensive and time consuming, not to
mention easily detectable. It could take you years to aquire and build
the necessary industry to manufacture weapons-grade material. Even after
that, you still have to design, build and test your first device before
anyone takes you seriously.

Purchasing existing nuclear hardware is also expensive and risky. Most
governments are on the lookout for such activity.  Many dealers are
crooked. Do you really want to take a chance getting ripped off by shady
weapons dealers?

Even if you succeed purchasing through the black market, you stand the
risk of getting on the wrong side of international opinion. You could lose
existing conventional arms contracts, face economic sanctions or even
military action.

With a lease you avoid a lot of other problems too. Since the weapons are
not on your property, you avoid becoming a target yourself. You can forget
about the high cost of security, environmental pollution concerns and even
subversion by renegade generals in your own army.

The advantages of leasing are tremendous. You just sign, point, and go!
When you are through leasing, just turn in the button and walk away. You
can even change your target at any time for a small fee. (Handy for
preventing those nasty coup d' etats.) You can announce your target or
keep it secret. Each targeted device contract comes with a certificate of
authenticity and sufficient proof actual delivery capability.

The best part is, you don't pay for the whole weapon, unless you actually
fire it! This alone presents a HUGE cost savings over the alternatives.

Imagine the power and prestige you will feel when you get your very own
button. You can do things you never thought possible, like pounding your
shoe on the UN podium. Hey, and nothing says sexy like a nuclear trigger.

Hurry, opportunities are limited! Contact Raydeax corpoaration for more
details on how you too can become an instant nuclear world power.

Dr. Nuketopia
Technology Director of the World-Wide Monetary Conspiracy
Opinions strictly reflect the party line

© 1996 Peter Langston