Fun_People Archive
8 Dec
PRESS RELEASE: Novell admits helping Microsoft

Date: Fri, 8 Dec 95 20:13:39 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: PRESS RELEASE: Novell admits helping Microsoft

Forwarded-by: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
Forwarded-By: Bill Bush <bill@bush.com>
Forwarded-By: Randy Enger <enger@atria.com>

PRESS RELEASE: Novell admits aiding Microsoft

In a joint press conference early this morning, the Chief Executives of
Microsoft and Novell revealed that their companies had been working
together to increase Microsoft's dominance of the computer industry.  In
a secret partnership with Microsoft, Novell has been strategically
acquiring Microsoft's major competitors in the software industry and
ruining them.

The relationship goes back a number of years, according to Microsoft
Chairman Bill Gates.  "[Digital Research's] DR-DOS 5.0 was ten times the
operating system that MS-DOS 4.01 was.  We couldn't even steal technology
fast enough to compete.  That was when we first contacted Novell."  Under
direction from Microsoft, Novell then purchased Digital Research, a small
California company best known for its CP/M operating system.

Novell CEO Bob Frankenburg continued, "We let the developers release
DR-DOS 6.0, which unfortunately was a success, but then we jumped in with
both feet.  By the time we were done with it, Novell DOS 7 wouldn't even
interoperate well with NetWare!"  All development on Digital Research's
product was subsequently halted in September 1994.

Frankenberg also explained their second target.  "When it became obvious
that Windows NT wouldn't be able to hold a candle to Unix, it was agreed
that Novell should buy Unix Systems Laboratories from AT&T to destroy it."
The destruction of Unix was accomplished by Novell's pushing of UnixWare
and by carefully planned licensing fiascoes.  "Once the damage was
complete, we pushed it off on SCO [Santa Cruz Operation]."

The latest joint venture was the destruction of Microsoft's competition
in the Windows application market.  "Under the guise of creating a rival
suite, Novell bought up Wordperfect and Quattro Pro," Gates explained.
"Under our direction, all OS/2 development was halted and significant bugs
were introduced in the release.  [Microsoft] Excel wasn't half the
spreadsheet that Quattro Pro was when Borland owned it, and look at us
now!" Novell's intention to sell the PerfectOffice Suite was announced on
October 30.  "We're done," said Frankenberg.

When asked about the prospect of competition from the new software giant
created by the IBM/Lotus merger, Frankenburg replied, "We expect IBM to
do a better job of destroying Lotus than we could have ever done."

Many industry insiders were taken by surprise.  "It explains a lot," said
Hewlett Packard employee Mike Lund.  "We never could figure out what the
hell Novell thought they were doing with Unix."

© 1995 Peter Langston