Fun_People Archive
5 Dec
"The Snubbing of Newt" (fwd)

Date: Tue, 5 Dec 95 16:14:53 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: "The Snubbing of Newt" (fwd)

Forwarded-by: "T. J. Morrison" <taurus@u.washington.edu>
(author not indicated in the forwarding chain...)


  The SNUBBING of NEWT

  To be read out loud--with feeling.


  THE SNUBBING OF NEWT
  Doug Miller, November 17, 1995

  'Twas a very sad day when the big tubby Newt
  Went flying to Israel in a dark suit
  For the funeral of Yitzhak, whose violent end
  Had broken the heart of Bill Clinton, his friend

  So Newt got a ride on the President's flight
  With four carry-on bags, which is quite impolite
  Bob Dole came along, and the nasty old fart
  Tried to climb up on top of the food and drink cart

  Newt had a bee in his bonnet that flight
  He's such a fussbudget, he wanted to fight
  About budgets and Medicare, deregulation
  Welfare, and Democrats wrecking the nation

  But Mr. Bill Clinton was tired and sad
  His friend had been killed and he felt very bad
  No budget fight should be fought in the air
  Bill sat at his desk and he played solitaire

  Then the plane landed with Newt at the rear
  He thought "How the hell will I get out of here?"
  "I hate being stuck at the back of the plane
  Waiting for everyone else to deplane!"

  Just then a nice stewardess opened the door
  Through which other passengers started to pour
  Newt had no choice, the line was single file
  And with his four bags he was blocking the aisle

  He stepped from the plane and his blood pressure rose
  As he watched Mr. Clinton there striking a pose
  By the door near the cockpit the cameras whirred
  As the President stepped from his personal bird

  Newt couldn't stand it, he stamped and he stomped
  He huffed and he puffed, he ranted and romped
  He spouted and pouted, he fumed and he fussed
  He cried and he bawled, then he swore and he cussed

  "He can't snub Newt Gingrich, I'm the damn Speaker
  And no one has ever made fits of pique piquer
  I'll teach him a lesson he'll never forget
  I'll make this a "diss" that he'll always regret!"

  He went to his office and started to write
  A new resolution for his budget fight
  "By God," said the Speaker, "I'm running this town!"
  "And now I've been snubbed, so I'm shutting it down!"

  His new bill was laden with extra demands
  That had the effect of tying Bill's hands
  He's spent so much time as an invertebrate
  He had to stand tall as a tough Chief of State

  So Bill, Dole, and Newt had reached an impasse
  And all because Newt had behaved like an ass
  He said he was snubbed, in a tone non-confessional
  Democrats said, "Oh that's so unprofessional!"

  Now Newt is happy, he's thinking, "I showed 'em!"
  To Hell with Fed workers, Bill has furloughed 'em
  Newt's downsizing government with his new tactics
  Of pouting, denial, and other theatrics

  And now all because the House Speaker was snubbed
  The whole budget process may have to be scrubbed
  Maybe one day Newt will own Air Force One
  Do us a favor, Newt:  Run, Baby Run!

© 1995 Peter Langston