Fun_People Archive
13 Nov
Absurd Warning Labels

Date: Mon, 13 Nov 95 14:48:45 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: Absurd Warning Labels

Forwarded-by: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: glen mccready <glen@liquor.cabi.net>
Forwarded-by: <nihilis@sky.net>
Forwarded-by: Jeff Burchell <toxic@GET.WIRED.COM>
From: The Washington Post: Sunday May 14, 1995, Final Edition

Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd
warning labels for common products.  We loved one particular entry
for its wonderful idiocy:

On a cardboard windshield sun shade:  "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun
Shield in Place."  We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered
that it wasn't made up.

Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub:  Do not throw baby out with
bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)

Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship.  (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball:  Not advised for use as a home
pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers:  Not for use as a flotation
device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata -- On a cup of McDonald's coffee:
Allow to cool before applying to groin area. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Honorable Mentions

On a Pentium chip:  If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will
replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of
$4.97.  (Russell Beland, Springfield)

On a refrigerator:  Refrigerate after opening.  (Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg)

On a pack of cigarettes: WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined
that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart
attack by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the
opposite sex surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and
wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple
of cigarettes to steady your nerves.  (Jacob Weinstein, McLean)

On a disposable razor:  Do not use this product during an earthquake. (Jim
Gaffney, Manassas)

On a handgun:  Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.  (Art Grinath,
Takoma Park)

On pantyhose:  Not to be used in the commission of a felony.  (Judith
Daniel, Washington)

On a piano:  Harmful or fatal if swallowed.  (Peter Fay, Herndon)

On a can of Fix-a-Flat:  Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry
Robin, Gaithersburg)

On Kevorkian's suicide machine:  This product uses carbon monoxide, which
has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats.  (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

On Lyndon LaRouche literature:  Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure
and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you looking
at? Quit staring at me.  (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

On work gloves:  For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken
Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

On a palm sander:  Not to be used to sand palms.  (Patrick G. White,
Taneytown)

On a calendar:  Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological
warranties express or implied.  (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

On Odor Eaters:  Do not eat.  (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

On Sen. Bob Dole:  WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode. (Doug
Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. )

On a blender:  Not for use as an aquarium.  (Gary Dawson, Arlington)

On a fax machine:  WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of
your naked buttocks.  Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy.
(John Kammer, Herndon)

On syrup of ipecac:  Caution: May cause vomiting.  (Paul Styrene, Olney)

On a revolving door:  Passenger compartments for individual use only.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

On a microscope:  Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
(J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

On children's alphabet blocks:  Letters may be used to construct words,
phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.  (David Handelsman,
Charlottesville)

On a wet suit:  Capacity, 1.  (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

And Last:  On The Washington Post:  Do not cut up and use for blackmail
note. (Joseph Romm, Washington).


[I can't help but include my personal favorite (unfortunately accurate)  
warning:
            CAUTION: Objects in calendar are closer than they appear!
-psl]

© 1995 Peter Langston