Fun_People Archive
24 Oct
The BOFH's mild-mannered nephew... 

Date: Tue, 24 Oct 95 22:04:09 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: The BOFH's mild-mannered nephew...

[This is a tale told by the Bastard Operator From Hell's mild-mannered nephew  
Greg...  What?  You don't know who the Bastard Operator From Hell is?  Don't  
you remember the Fun_People postings of 5/14/93 - 5/24/93?  Better check the  
archive at http://www.empire.net..  -psl]
[UPDATE: now it's http://www.langston.com/Fun_People/  -psl 9/98]

Forwarded-by: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: Todd Kover <kovert@umiacs.UMD.EDU>
Forwarded-by: Matt Beal <beal@umiacs.umd.edu>
From: taliesin@tartarus.uwa.edu.au (Greg Wheatley)

Work stretches out in front of me, idiots moan and whine from all directions
and it's time for cathartic release. Except there were some complaints last
time and so I'm restricted to pounding keyboard.  Oh well, I can dream:

Tales of the Master #2:
	In which the Master takes a hands-on approach.

Customer:
	Hey, I've got a problem. Are you listening to me? Are you even
	awake? Hello? I've got a problem.

Zen-Master Greg:
	One moment while I contemplate the infinite.

C:	But you're playing tetris?

ZMG:	The ant looks, but it does not see. What is the nature of this
	so-called problem?

C:	Look, I've got a problem, okay? Can you just come and help? Now?

ZMG	Truly you may be said to have a problem. But I despair of solving
	it. Let us examine the symptoms.

C:	See, it doesn't work. I type and nothing happens.

ZMG	Truly a puzzling situation. Tell me, unlearned one, what does it
	say on the mystic screen?

C:	It says "please insert the disk: Untitled". But what's wrong?

ZMG	My son, have you chanced to remove a disk from the drive?

C:	Yes.

ZMG	And have you chosen to favour this disk with a name?

C:	Um, no.

ZMG	Let us then insert this disk, in the hope that the hunger of the
	computer may be satisfied.

C:	Okay, if you say so. Hey, it works!

ZMG	Truly, your comprehension is beyond understanding.

(5 minutes pass)

C:	Hi, it's me again! Remember?

ZMG	The memory is as a blade in my soul.

C:	Can you come and help me? It's stopped working again.

ZMG	And did it in any way indicate distress?

C:	Well, it did say something on the screen.

ZMG	Tell me, grasshopper, what it happens to say on the screen?

C:	You know, the damn thing said the same as last time.

ZMG	And did you insert the disk?

C:	No. Should I try that?

ZMG	The fool must be beaten with a stick, for an intelligent person
	the merest hint is sufficient.

C:	Yeah, well. I'll try it anyway. Hey! It worked!

(5 more minutes go by)

C:	Hey buddy?

ZMG	It is a fool who walks unknowing over the abyss.

C:	Look, cut the poetry. I've got a problem. Come and help.

ZMG	You have followed the mystic rituals?

C:	It just doesn't work. Fix it.

ZMG	The ox complains not of its burden. Am I less than an ox?

C:	See. Nothing I type comes up.

ZMG	Truly a vexing problem. A most strenuous solution is called for.
	Let us perform the ritual of re-boot.

C:	What's that?

ZMG	Some things one may not know.

C:	Hey, what's that whirring noise?

ZMG	Tell me, my son. Did you try to fix the computer?

C:	Yes.

ZMG	Ah! And did you try to fix it by sating its hunger?

C:	Yeah, so?

ZMG	And was there not already a disk in the drive when you tried
	this?

C:	Yeah, but that's what we did before.

ZMG	One does not achieve enlightenment by copying the actions of
	the master.

C:	Cut the crap. I'm working on something that's due in in an hour
	and the damn computers keep breaking down. Can you begin to do
	your job and make sure that nothing else goes wrong?

ZMG	For the master, all things are possible.

C:	Well do it then. God knows, we're paying enough for all of crap.
	And for your salary.

ZMG	I will prevent further problems.

C:	Well about damn time! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!

(Sound of the Master drawing a hatchet from beneath his robes and chopping
off the customer's hand at the wrist, then picking it up and stuffing it
into the luser's mouth)

C:	AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH <SPTH!>

ZMG	The problem will not recur.

*And the luser was enlightened*
[=] © 1995 Peter Langston []