Fun_People Archive
19 Oct
Never say never.

Date: Thu, 19 Oct 95 11:58:11 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: Never say never.

Forwarded-by: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: "G.O.G." <OMITTED@alexandria.lib.utah.edu>

Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, in conjunction with research associate
Dr. Ed Bluestone of the Surgeon General's office, has compiled for
non-confidential distribution a list of activities which, while not
definitely linked to death or established as causative factors in any
specific form of physical or psysiological deterioration, have been
determined through exhaustive reiteration to be detrimental to the human
condition and specifically to the welfare of their perpetrator.

While implementation of any of these activities is not specifically
illegal as cited by state or federal jurisdictions, engagement in any of
said activities could very probably be construed as a gross breach of
common etiquette constraints and/or moral codes and analogs.  Widespread
or accelerated participation in any of the listed activities by an
increasing or superannuated segment of the population would be frowned on
by and erosive to all reasonable, respected, and stalwart facets of
American society.

THE SURGEON GENERAL WARNS:

 1. Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher
    meal.
 2. Never ask a bald man if you can borrow his toupee to clean your
    windshield.
 3. Never moon a werewolf.
 4. Never squeeze a parakeet to death while screaming, "I want the name of
    your accomplice!"
 5. Never threaten to punish your Dalmation with spot remover.
 6. Never use a bulldog as a surrogate mother.
 7. Never hire an attorney who can discuss specific episodes of The
    Flintstones.
 8. Never trust a dentist who sells miniature ivory animals.
 9. Never ask a dog with rabies if he would like you to floss his teeth.
10. Never believe your dog when he tells you that while you were out, your
    parents came over and drank water out of your toilet.
11. Never take a cockroach hostage and expect anyone to negotiate with you.
12. Never walk your dog around someone else's living room with a pooper
    scooper in your hand.
13. Never say to a lobster before you boil him, "Let me know if your bath is
    too hot."
14. Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesn't leave you alone, you plan to
    cheat again next year.
15. Never tell Yasser Arafat that you think Newark should be the Palestinian
    homeland.

© 1995 Peter Langston