Fun_People Archive
3 Oct
Star Trek '95

Date: Tue, 3 Oct 95 16:37:51 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: Star Trek '95

Forwarded-by: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: William_Krueger@dallas.csd.sterling.com
Forwarded-by:  Henry Thompson at Sterling-London

Wondering If Windows 95 Will Live Long and Phosphor
	-- by Nicholas Petreley


    "Sulu, set path to the floppy drive.  Scotty, fit the hard drive with
the Microsoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install disks, we're
about to begin a sequel."
    "Capitan, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL."
    "Right. Then let's see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?"
    "Captain, are you surre you want to replace the system? If ye put
Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, we'll risk a
matter-antimatter explosion!"
    "Scotty, that's an order. "
    "Aye, Captain, but she's just not rready. She needs a proper beta
    shakedown."
    "That's what we're doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install disks
coming?"
    "We're on disk 5, sir."
    "Good. Spock?"
    "Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning our
hardware and mutating to adapt."
    "Then, Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can't use the
Microsoft sound card, which works fine as configured under Windows 3.1?"
    "Unknown, Captain."
    "Will it use a Proaudio Spectrum?"
    "Unknown, Captain."
    "How about a Sound Blaster?"
    "Unknown, Captain."
    "What good are you, anyway?"
    "Box-office attraction, Captain."
    "Bones?"
    "I'm a doctor, not a hardware technician."
    "Spock, cancel the Microsoft sound card and install the Proaudio
Spectrum.  Chekov, finish the software installation. Sulu, reboot the
system when it's ready and prepare to go to task speed on my signal."
    "Yes, Captain."
    "Chekov?"
    "We've just entered the desktop zone, Capitan."
    "Captain, she canna take it much more.  Another 15 sectors and the
engines'll burn up fer surrre."
    "Scotty, we haven't even started yet."
    "Sorry, Captain, I just haven't had a line in so long..."
    "Sulu, go to task 1. Bring up the README.TXT in the notepad."
    "Yes, Captain."
    "Wait a minute. Cancel that order. Plot a shortcut to the README.TXT
in the desktop zone. We'll be navigating back there frequently."
    "Yes, sir."
    "Spock?"
    "It seems as if we have a hardware conflict, sir.  The Proaudio
Spectrum 16 isn't responding, either in sound or SCSI."
    "Disable the card, Spock."
    "I'm sorry, sir. It won't disable the SCSI without stopping the sound
card first.  And it won't disable the sound card without disabling the SCSI
first."
    "Captain, an enemy ship is approaching at 12 o'clock."  [looks at
watch] "Good, that gives us a little more time to debug these systems."
    "No, sir. The ship is already upon is."
    "Uhura?"
    "Scanning all frequencies, sir. I'm trying to get an image, sir, but
the system is awfully slow."
    "Scotty, what's happening down there?"
    "The engine is running smoothly, Captain, but the 16-bit GDI can only
process one console request at a time.  Even the main 32-bit systems are
blocked."
    "See what you can do, Scotty.  Spock?"
    "It appears to be an IBM ship, Captain. Equipped with a Warp drive."
[impressive sound of Warp engine coming up to speed, oohs and ahhs as crew
gazes in the direction of enemy ship]
    "Put it on visual, Chekov."
    "Yes, sir."  [louder oohs and ahhs]
    "Spock, the enemy ship is approaching fast.  We need audio!"
    "I'm sorry, Captain. The registry is not responding."
    "Bones?"
    "I'm a doctor, not a beta tester!"
    "Quick, Sulu, bring up the README.TXT file."
    "Captain -- it's gone. Some other task in the system must have moved
or changed it."
    "Long range scan, Chekov."
    "I found it, Capitain. Wait a minute. This README.TXT file is for the
game Lands of Lore, with Patrick Stewart doing the voice of King Richard."
    "Patrick Stewart?"
    "You've never heard of Patrick Stewart?"
    "No."
    "Must be a generation gap."
    "Captain, she canna take it much more.  Another 15 sectors and the
engines'll burn up fer surrre."  [sigh]  "Maintain power, Mister Scott.
Quick, Sulu, put us on red alert."
    "Captain, I can't figure out how to change the color of the desktop
background! "
    "Bones?"
    "I'm a doctor, not a quick reference!"
    "Never mind.  Find the screen saver.  Spock, prepare to fire HP
Laserjet."
    "Captain, I've chosen the screen saver that says 'Chicago is COOL'
but now I'm getting no response at the helm."
    [Boom as the enemy hits ship with photon torpedo, then large zapping
sound, then either ship moves back and forth, or people sway left and
right, depending on perspective.  Sparks fly from console, fires glare,
indicating what would normally be irreparable damage, yet will be fixed
in just minutes.
    "Sulu -- take evasive action or it's certain Doom!"
    "Yes, it certainly is Doom and I don't mind telling you I'm getting
awfully sick of this demo. Doom is one of the most stable games around,
so what does it prove that it runs under Win 95?"
    "We've got... to get... to the kernel.  Uhura... notify... the...
kernel at Star Fleet."
    "Captain, I think either communications is breaking up, or you're
dropping into melodramatic Shakespearean stammer mode again."
    "Spock?"
    "Fascinating Captain. It would seem that the needs of the few have
outweighed the needs of the many."
    "Scotty, get us out of here!"
    "Sorry, Captain, the engine is no longer responding! We'll have to do
a hard boot for surrre."
    "Bones?"
    "It's dead, Jim."

© 1995 Peter Langston