Fun_People Archive
15 May
Anchor Chronicles -- The Flood, The Dog and The Anchorman

Date: Mon, 15 May 95 14:28:38 PDT
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: Anchor Chronicles -- The Flood, The Dog and The Anchorman

Forwarded-by: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com

ANCHOR CHRONICLES -- THE FLOOD, THE DOG AND THE ANCHORMAN

The terrible flooding going on currently in New Orleans reminded me of
an event there about 10 years ago.  Flooding was terrible at that time
as well and that city's streets looked more like raging rivers than
quiet southern boulevards.  The story I'm about to tell is true, only
the names have been changed to protect the guilty.  We'll call this
Anchor Chronicle: "The Flood, The Dog and the Anchorman."

New Orleans, during that time, looked exactly like the scene you saw
last week in Slidell and other Southern Louisiana communities:  water up
to the windows of cars, houses completely flooded, property damages in
the millions.

All of the Crescent City TV news departments were all over the story.
One station in particular took its main anchor off the anchor desk and
sent him out into the raging waters.  Our man commandeered a motorized
boat with a driver and a cameraman from the station accompanied him.

Our anchor had just finished his flood story and was boating back to the
station to put the package together. As they motored back, our anchorman
saw a terrible sight: A little dog was caught in the water and was
desperately swimming upstream on what once was his neighborhood street.

Our anchorman had an idea!  He asked the photog if he had enough tape
left?  The photographer answered to the affirmative.  With that, he told
the photog to start the camera and keep it rolling on him.  Our
anchorman jumped from the boat into the flooding waters.

The water was waist deep for our soon-to-be-heroic anchor and not moving
fast enough to cause him any bodily harm.  He waded over to the swimming
dog and put the animal in his arms.  He waded back to the boat and
desposited the furry little creature safely inside and then he jumped
into the boat.

"Did you get all of that?" our anchor asked his photographer.

"Well, sort of" came the reply.  "When you jumped in the water -- it
splashed on the lens and I don't think the image was too clear."

"NO GOOD," said our superhero.

He told the photographer to clean off his lens.  Which he did.

With lens clean -- the anchor picks up the dog and THROWS it back into
the water.  When the dog got up to full paddling speed and the camera up
to speed, our hero jumped back into the water for 'Take Two.'

The scene played out exactly as 'Take One.'  When the anchor climbed
back in the boat, he again asked, "Did you get it this time?"

The photographer looked a little squeamish when he informed the
superhero that he ran out of tape this time.

"THIS IS REALLY NO GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!"

Soooooooo, the cameraman loaded a new video cassette into the camera and
our anchor unloaded the by now frightened and confused canine out of the
boat for 'Take Three.'

This time the water, the terrified dog, our superhero, the photographer
and his equipment were all in sync.  With that done they finally
deposited the dog, still alive after his ordeal, onto solid terre firma.
The dog scampered off; more afraid of his human rescuers than the
possibility of drowning in the flooded Big Easy street rivers.

The photographer took his video tape and returned to the station to edit
the pieces for the evening newscasts.  Our super hero returned home to
get out the wet and odorous clothing; take a shower and a well
deserved nap.  Upon arriving home, he threw the clothes into a hamper in
the laundry room and set about his afternoon tasks.

Later that day he took another shower.  He carefully blow dried his
almost perfect hair (you know the type: razor cut, nice length with just
a touch of gray hair at the temples for that handsome, authoritative
look).  He then sauntered to his immense walk-in closet to pick out the
perfect wardrobe for that evening's newscasts.  (It was tough trying to
decide between the Superman blues or the tan Armani).  He just couldn't
make that decision.

Then it hit him!  He knew the perfect wardrobe to introduce his heroic
rescue of the little dog on television that night.  Clothing that would
immediately tell his viewers that this was no mamby pamby journalist
that is firmly anchored in the studio.  He knew what would be perfect.

He left the walk-in closet with the expensive clothing and moved on down
the hallway to the laundry room where he opened the hamper in which he
deposited the wet clothing from several hours earlier.  He had napped
and taken two showers since then.  But our hero put back on the wet
clothes.

Finally, just before he walked into the studio to begin his heroic
newscast he ruffled up his perfect hair.  The station aired the 'Take
Three' story and to his viewers that evening in New Orleans, this man
was truly a hero.

[!!??  But...  I was definitely waiting for the ending when they accidentally
show the tape of the anchor man throwing the terrified dog in the water, twice.
 I guess I've been programmed by screenwriters -- I can't accept the
arbitrariness of real life any more...  -psl]

© 1995 Peter Langston