Fun_People Archive
6 Apr
MPROTD (Microsoft Press Release)

Date: Thu,  6 Apr 95 18:14:06 PDT
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: MPROTD (Microsoft Press Release)

Forwarded-by: larryy@apple.com (Larry Yaeger)

**** FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE ****

Microsoft To Take Over Money

Microsoft Corporation today announced plans to buy the Philadelphia
Mint from the United States government.  Final details of the
transaction were hammered out in an all night bargaining session
which included President Bill Clinton representing the US, and four
unnamed chorus girls. An obviously fatigued and smiling
Clinton emerged from the meeting and stated that he saw no
chance that there would be opposition from anyone within the
government.  In an effort to appease regulators, Microsoft
gave a copy of Windows NT and a box of paper clips to Novell.

Microsoft said it intends to print money in direct competition with
the US Government. Microsoft chairman, Bill Gates, declared, "The
Government has no vision and we intend to eventually take over all
operations." The official announcement was made by Microsoft
spokesman, Brad Silverberg, who showed reporters an alpha version of
the currency Microsoft will release next year.  The currency, called
simply "Money" (patent pending) bears a striking resemblance to US
currency . When questioned about this, Silverberg stated that the US
Government had obviously copied the design.  Silverberg alleged that
this was constantly happening to Microsoft, citing Apple's theft of
the Windows look and feel, and Stac's pilfering of on-the-fly disk
compression as only two examples.

Gates said the acquisition was made in order to move closer to his
grand vision of "Money always at my fingertips." Gates further stated
that the move to 32 bit operating systems would make it difficult "for
the lemms, uh, I mean, users to continue throwing money at Microsoft
in ever increasing amounts."  "This (acquisition) will make it
unnecessary for our customers to continue to struggle with the
challenge of actually buying and installing software," continued
Gates.

Response within the industry and government was immediate.  All major
ISV's appeared at the press conference and announced support for
Money. Steve Gibson called the acquisition "the most earth shattering
event in the history of the world, without question."  Brian
Livingston said this was the most exciting news "since cousin Pee Wee
got his own television show." Ed Bott declared that PC Computing would
dedicate its next twelve issues to the new Money and said we would
"all be using it soon." Jim Seymour stated that "the miraculous Money
is now the standard for currency in the United States."  Hillary
Clinton was not available for comment.

© 1995 Peter Langston