Fun_People Archive
14 Jan
Healthcare At Your Fingertips

Date: Sat, 14 Jan 95 17:32:39 PST
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: Healthcare At Your Fingertips

Forwarded-by: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: kole@hydra.convex.com (John P. Kole)
Forwarded-by: lindsey (Norman Lindsey)
Forwarded-by: "Jim Littlefield" <little@ragnarok.hks.com>

'Microsoft 911', or 'Healthcare At Your Fingertips'

Well, after almost an hour on the phone with Microsoft Tech Support, and
I do believe that I've personally talked to roughly half of their total
workforce during that hour, the person who I finally got to said he
doesn't know anything (about my problem, that is) so he'll try to get me
a response within 24-48 hours. Now this is typical, even acceptable, but
with Microsoft's recent expansion into things like home entertainment,
cable TV, and satellite communications, along with the new health care
reform, this has some pretty frightening possibilities...

Imagine, if you will, a Microsoft-run 911 line...

Disembodied voice:
	Welcome to Microsoft 911!  If you are calling from a
	touch-tone phone, please press 1 no...

Caller:	*1*

Disembodied Voice:
	*excruciating pause*
	Microsoft 911 provides 90 days of free emergency support. This
	90--day period begins when you are conceived. If you have not yet
	been conceived, press one.  If you have been conceived but are
	still under the ninety-day free support period, press two. If
	you...

Caller:	*frantically*  *3*

Disembodied voice:
	Welcome to Microsoft 911! While you are holding, please consider
	our alternative support options.  If you would like faxed medical
	information on common emergency conditions, you can call out
	FaxTips line at. . .

*ring*

New Voice:
	Hello, Microsoft 911. May I have a daytime phone number?
Caller:	*weakly*  I've been shot...
New Voice:
	That's right, sir. Could I have your daytime telephone number?
Caller:	555-6712.
New Voice:
	Thank you...

*pause*

*anaesthetic elevator music*

Yet Another Voice:
	And that was Andy Barzell, with "Moon Over LA" from his upcoming
	City Lights disc, on the Trauma Records label.  Now we'll go over
	some of our hold times for the emergency support groups. There
	are four people waiting in the Vehicular Accidents group; the
	longest hold time there is 10 minutes, twelve seconds.  Nine
	people are holding in the Gunshot Wounds group, with a longest
	wait time of twenty minutes, four seconds. The Terrorist Bombing
	group has two callers waiting with a longest wait time of ten
	minutes, and the Hunting Accidents group...

Caller:  *thud*

One More Voice:
	Hello, Microsoft Gunshot Wound Emergency Assistance...  Hello?

© 1995 Peter Langston