Fun_People Archive
5 Jan
Hamlet (the single, not the dance mix)

Date: Thu,  5 Jan 95 14:50:47 PST
From: Peter Langston <psl>
To: Fun_People
Subject: Hamlet (the single, not the dance mix)

[You've read the Cliff's Notes and scanned the Classics Comic, now sing the
Classics Folk Song... -psl]

Forwarded-by: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)

                HAMLET (Condensed to three minutes)
                      by Adam MacNaughton.
      (as sung by Michael Carthy to the tune Mason's Apron)

There was a king nodding in his garden all alone
When his brother in his ear poured a little bit of henbane
Stole his brother's crown and his money and his widow
But the dead king walked and got his son and said "Now listen kiddo,
I've been killed and it's your duty to take revenge on Claudius,
Kill him quick and clean and tell the nation what a fraud he is."
The kid says, "Right, I'll do it but I'll have to play it crafty,
So that no one will suspect me I'll kid on that I'm a dafty"

So for all except Horatio, and he counts him as a friend,
Hamlet, that's the kid, he kids on he's round the bend
And because he's not yet willing for obligatory killing
He tries to make his uncle think he's tuppence off a shilling.
Takes a rise out of Polonius, treats poor Ophelia vile,
Tells Rosencranz and Guildenstern that Denmark's blooded bile
Till a troupe of travelling actors like seven eighty four
Arrive to do a special one night gig in Elsinore.

Hamlet, Hamlet, acting balmy
Hamlet, Hamlet, loves his mommy
Hamlet, Hamlet hesitating
He wonders if the ghost's a fake and that is why he's waiting

So Hamlet wrote a scene for the players to enact
So Horatio and him could watch to see if Claudius cracked
The play was called "The Mousetrap," not the one that's running now,
And sure enough, the king walked out before the scene was through
So Hamlet's got the proof his uncle gave his dad the dose,
The only problem being now that Claudius knows he knows,
So while Hamlet tells his mother her new husband's not a fit man
Uncle Claude takes out a contract with the English king as hit man.

Then when Hamlet killed Polonius, the concealed corpus delecti
Was the the king's excuse to send for an English hempen necktie
With Rosencranz and Guildenstern to make quite sure he got there
But Hamlet jumped the boat and put the finger straight on that pair.
When Laertes heard his dad was killed in the bedroom of the heiress
He came running back to Elsinore tout-suite hot foot from Paris
When Ophelia heard her dad's killed by the man she was to marry
After saying it with flowers she committed hari-kari.

Hamlet, Hamlet no messin'
Hamlet, Hamlet learned his lesson
Hamlet, Hamlet Yorick's crust
Convinced him all men good and bad at last must come to dust.

Then Laertes lost his cool and was demanding retribution,
The king said keep your head and I'll supply you a solution
So the king arranged a swordfight for the interested parties
With a blunted sword for Hamlet and a sharp sword for Laertes
And to to make double sure (the old belt-and-braces line)
He fixed up a poisoned sword-tip and a poisoned cup of wine
The poisoned sword got Hamlet but Laertes went and fluffed it
Because he got stabbed himself and he confessed before he snuffed it.

Then Hamlet's mummy drank the wine and as her face turned blue,
Hamlet said, "I think this king's a baddie through and through."
"Incestuous murderous damned Dane," he said to be precise
Then made up for hesitating once by killing Claudius twice.
He stabbed him with his knife and forced the wine between his lips
Then he said, "The rest is silence," and he cashed in all his chips.
They fired a volley over him that shook the topmost rafter
And then Fortinbras, knee-deep in Danes, lived happy ever after.

Hamlet, Hamlet, end of story
Hamlet, Hamlet, very gory
Hamlet, Hamlet, I'm on my way
And if you thought that was confusing you should read the bloody play.

© 1995 Peter Langston