Fun_People Archive
11 Nov
More Elections Analysis

Date: Fri, 11 Nov 94 10:47:09 PST
To: Fun_People
Subject: More Elections Analysis

Forwarded-by: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: "Linda Branagan" <linda@z-code.com>

If you can't stand the heat, burn down the kitchen

If that doesn't work, do what the voters do these days -- just say screw it
-- by Art Hoppe Special to the Free Press

SAN FRANCISCO --The political analyst on CNN said the voters elected a
Republican Congress because they "wanted to try bipartisanship." I asked my
friend, George Screwum, who is a voter, if this were true.

"No, no," he said, aiming a kick at a passing kitten. "We did it because we
were sick and tired of gridlock and wanted a change."

But won't the president have an even tougher time getting any legislation
passed?

"Screw him," said George, happily squashing a ladybug that had lighted on the
handle of his black umbrella.

And you tossed out a number of veteran Democrats like Tom Foley who were
doing well for their constituents.

George nodded. "Screw 'em," he said.

As for the Republicans, they'll now be responsible for the do-nothing
government we'll have during the next two years.

"Screw them, too," George agreed.

Aren't you worried that the Republicans, if they do anything, will cut back
Social Security for your aged mother? "Screw her," said George.

And they'll do their best to lop off welfare payments for the poor, thereby
encouraging them to take up a life of crime.

"And the horse they rode in on," said George.

What about California? I see you turned down virtually every bond issue,
including one for mass transit that would have reduced traffic jams for you
commuters.

"Screw 'em," George said, contentedly.

Yet you pushed through Proposition 187, which is clearly illegal. Is it worth
a bundle in legal fees on the off chance you can persecute a bunch of illegal
aliens?

George positively beamed. "Screw 'em," he said.

And this three-strikes initiative you passed in a landslide. Won't it cost
you billions for new prisons and custodial care to lock up a passel of car
thieves and forgers for life? "Screw 'em," said George, drawing a finger
across his throat.

One race I don't understand. Why did you let a hen-pecked twit like
Huffington come within a gnat's whisker of beating a hard-working, honest,
efficient senator like Dianne Feinstein? "Screw her," George said.

Yes, but in the end, Huffington lost.

"And him, too," said George.

Hold on there, George. It seems to me that just to take revenge on the
president, the Democrats, the bureaucrats, the aliens, the felons and your
poor aged mother, you've created a new dimension in gridlock, cut pork to
your own district and saddled yourself with all sorts of extra government
costs. Aren't you chopping off your nose to spite your face?

A glow of sheer delight suffused George's features as he triumphantly rubbed
his hands. "Screw me," he said.

© 1994 Peter Langston