Fun_People Archive
11 Nov
FWI (fun with acronyms) 

Date: Fri, 11 Nov 94 02:04:03 PST
To: Fun_People
Subject: FWI (fun with acronyms)

Forwarded-by: Chris LaFournaise <lafourc@storm.CS.ORST.EDU>

To:  All Employees

From:  Management

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are 
forced to cut our number of personnel.

Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, 
thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current 
fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately.  The program
will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).  

Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs 
outside the Department.  Provided that they are being RAPED, they can request a
review of their employment records before actual retirment takes place.  This 
phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early
Workers).

All Employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper 
management.  This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following 
Termination).  Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be RAPED once, 
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the Department deems 
appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get 
HERPES (Half Earning for Retired Personnel's Early Severance).  As HERPES is 
considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer 
be RAPED or SCREWED by the Department.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the 
Department will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained 
through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).  The Department takes pride
in the amount of SHIT our employees receive.  We have consistently given our 
employees more SHIT than any other department in this area.  If any employee 
feels he or she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate 
supervisor, for your supervisor is especially trained to make sure you receive 
all the SHIT you can handle.
[=] © 1994 Peter Langston []