Fun_People Archive
25 Oct
Signs of the Times

Date: Tue, 25 Oct 94 16:25:51 PDT
To: Fun_People
Subject: Signs of the Times

[Anyone who takes supermarkets to task for all the "10 items or less" signs
 is a pal of mine... -psl]

Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
By WILLIAM SAFIRE
c. 1980 N.Y. Times News Service

			       Signs of the Times

    The most threatened man in the English-speaking world must be named
William Stickers.  Throughout Great Britain, blank walls and freshly
painted fences bear the admonition:  "BILL STICKERS WILL BE PROSECUTED."
His accomplice, Bill Posters, has also been widely warned, although in
the United States the sign painter usually prefers the antimail "POST
NO BILLS."
    Time now for the first annual "Signs of the Times" awards, for the
most engaging, cryptic or confusing notices posted on purpose by serious
people.  (From the injunction in the New Testament:  "O ye hypocrites,
ye can discern the face of the sky; but can ye not discern the signs of
the times?")

    The sign requiring the most patience:  At the Howard Johnson
restaurant near Cornell University, patrons are greeted with a notice
reading "PLEASE WAIT FOR HOSTESS TO BE SEATED."  Reports student Leslie
Sara Goldsmith:  "I waited patiently for about 10 minutes, but the young
lady failed to sit down, and feeling rather neglected, I felt compelled
to sit first."

    The most glaring example of unparalleled construction:  "NO BALL
PLAYING, BIKE RIDING, LITTERING, SPITTING OR DOGS."  Runner-up in this
category is seen on Indiana highways:  "WATCH YOUR SPEED / WE ARE."

    The most imaginatively phrased, hand-lettered notice at City College
of New York was submitted by Ed Early of Stamford, Conn.:  "MAILMAN,
PLEASE LEAVE BOOK WHICH WAS DROPPED IN HERE YESTERDAY WITH THE ELEVATOR
MAN."

    The most schizophrenic directive - actually, two signs that beat as
one - was sent in by Thomas Clinton of the University of Pittsburgh:
"NO SMOKING ON ELEVATORS / USE STAIRS IN AN EMERGENCY."  (Mr. Clinton,
a chemistry teacher, also reports he saw a sign in an eyeglass shop that
advertised:  "EYES EXAMINED WHILE YOU WAIT," which he finds "by far the
most comfortable procedure.")

    The sign that most evokes sympathy for inanimate objects can be
found, says realtor Robert McKee of New York, on Connecticut's
Merritt Parkway:  "DEPRESSED STORM DRAINS."  The sense of helplessness
this sign summons is akin to "WATCH FOR FALLING ROCKS."  Perhaps the
sign writer means "fallen."  Illinois motorists are still trying to
figure out the South Lake Shore Drive advice:  "DISABLED CARS REQUIRED
TO PULL OFF ROADWAY."

    Most ubiquitous mistake in a sign is "TEN ITEMS OR LESS" at speedy
checkout counters in supermarkets.  Perhaps we could do with fewer, or
less, supermarkets.  A more creative semantic foul-up is reported by
Selma Fischer to be in Woolworth's on Seventh Avenue and West 50th
Street in New York:  "NO ERROR MADE WITHOUT CUSTOMER BEING PRESENT."

    Graphic design takes an award at Harold's Chicken Shack in Hyde
Park, Chicago.  David Harmin describes a sign that has a large "NO"
on the left, and smaller lettering on the right saying:  "DOGS / EATING
/ BICYCLES."  Though this may have been intended as an admonition
against three sins, taken together it warns of an event that has not
often been witnessed.  (My pet, Peeve, munching a tire, acknowledges
the regards sent from Paula Diamond's bete, Noire.)

    Competition was keen for the sexiest sign.  "SOFT SHOULDERS" was a
frequently submitted entry; a subtler message was sent in by Fritz
Golden of Philadelphia, who read a Kama Sutra meaning into the
countertop signs at ticket windows:  "NEXT POSITION, PLEASE."  But the
best can be found in Manhattan, at many intersections.  "I picture
people prostrating themselves in the crosswalk," writes Barbara Nicoll
of Hartsdale, N.Y., "to be seduced or even just tickled by passers-by
..."  The romantic grabber:  "YIELD TO PEDESTRIANS IN CROSSWALK."

© 1994 Peter Langston