Fun_People Archive
14 Oct
Re: Important Research Results!

Date: Fri, 14 Oct 94 23:09:55 PDT
To: Fun_People
Subject: Re: Important Research Results!

From: dss@rad.com (Daniel Steinberg)

> Just how important has the television remote control become in our
> everyday lives? A Magnavox survey of American households, conducted by
> Opinion Research Corporation, indicates it's practically indispensable,
> and reveals a lot more about America's relationship with its remotes.

A little analysis of their results reveals a lot more about American's
relationships with each other.

> -- When asked who was most likely to handle the TV remote control in the
> household, 62% of the men polled said "they were," while only 37% of the
> women said "they were."

Ok, that accounts for just about everybody.

> -- One percent of those surveyed actually reported finding theirs with their
> pet.

That takes care of the missing 1%.  The report didn't say whether the
household pet tends to be a channel surfer.  Type-A dogs certainly are and
most cats probably aren't.  Some fish may be natural-born surfers, but
empirical studies indicate that the remote doesn't work well under water.

> -- When asked who was most likely to lose the TV remote control in the
> household, 31% of the men polled said "they were," while only 19% of the
> women said "they were."

Add 1% for pets and that still only adds up to 51%
So how are the other 49% of the remote controls disappearing?

Perhaps space aliens have remote controls on our remote controls.
This reminds me of a Twilight Zone episode in which invaders from
outer space conquer a town by merely turning power off and on for
selected households.  The townspeople become so suspicious of one
another that they end up destroying themselves.  The Disappearing
Remote Control strategy is even more insidious!

> -- Over half (55%) of the respondents said they lose the remote control
> up to five times a week.  And 11% of those surveyed said they lose the
> remote between six and ten times a week.
> 
> -- 40% are ticked off when they know someone has misplaced the remote
> control but won't admit to it.

If the remote gets lost that often, and 50% of the time nobody admits it
(i assume the pets don't 'fess up too readily), this means that an awful
lot of people spend an awful lot of time being angry at one another!

Well, no wonder that:

> -- 18% of women surveyed and 9% of the men said that if they had to
> choose, they would rather give up sex than their TV remote control for one
> week.

All this adds up to a pretty damn compelling argument not to have a
television in the first place!

On the other hand:

> -- One out of three Americans say watching television wouldn't be as
> pleasurable without the remote control as it is with the device.

Since all these people are pissed off at each other and not having sex,
and since remote controls already have batteries in them, maybe Magnavox
should consider putting a vibrator into their remote controls.  I'll bet
that would bring the 1-in-3 statistic *way up*!

© 1994 Peter Langston