Fun_People Archive
15 Aug
This just in from Mars...

Date: Mon, 15 Aug 94 12:33:09 PDT
To: Fun_People
Subject: This just in from Mars...

Forwarded-by: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: spaf@cs.purdue.edu (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
Forwarded-by: oleg@veritas.com (Oleg Kiselev)
From: The New Republic, July 11, page 8 
(reprinted without permission) 

THIS JUST IN FROM MARS: "The openly heterosexual former football
player, O.J. Simpson, was arrested today and charged with the murder of
his former wife and her companion.  The arrest sent shock waves
throughout the heterosexual community, as one of its most popular icons
revived old stereotypes that surrond the heterosexual lifestyle.
"Wife-beating is not equivalent to being heterosexual," said Joe
Eightpack, a spokesman for the Straight Alliance Against Defamation.
"While it's true that some heterosexuals engage in spousal abuse, it's
still no more common among straights than among gays." But opponents of
heterosexual rights seized on the incident.  "Every year, hundreds of
thousands of women are victims of this immoral subculture," said the
Rev. Donald Gaylord, spokesman for the Concerned Homosexuals of America.
"There appears to have been a heterosexual ring in Los Angeles,
including the police force, that covered up this depraved activity for
years. I'm particularly concerned about saving our children from this
kind of example." Statistics suggest a large minority of heterosexual
males are involved in some kind of domestic violence: one in four
heterosexual relationships involves violence, with 2 million to 4
million women affected each year.  Researchers who claim that
heterosexuality is a choice and not, as some believe, involuntary, argue
that this makes it even more important not to give social sanction to
the activity.  "It's not heterosexuals that we're opposed to," argues
Gaylord. "It's their self-destructive lifestyle."

© 1994 Peter Langston