Fun_People Archive
30 Jun
Star Trek, The Lost Episodes

Date: Thu, 30 Jun 94 11:52:03 PDT
To: Fun_People
Subject: Star Trek, The Lost Episodes

Forwarded-by: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: jr@opal.com Thu Jun 30 05:00:09 1994
Forwarded-by: Erik@ATTORNEY.PN.COM
Forwarded-by: "bgauthie" <bgauthie@mathsoft.com>
From: seidl@soda.berkeley.edu

"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.

Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
	finding a weakness in the Borg?  And Mr. Data, have you been
	able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching 
	through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing 
	technology."

Geordi presses a  key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker looks puzzled:
	"What the hell is a 'Microsoft'?"

Data turns to answer:
	"Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason
	called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside
	their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources
	at an unstoppable rate."

Picard:
	"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
	processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data:	"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
	version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources
	increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be
	able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing
	ability will be taken over and none will be available for their
	normal operational functions."

Picard:	"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
	geometric shape' idea."

... 15 Minutes Later ...

Data:	"Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the
	command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all
	resources.  We however have not received any confirmation of the
	expected 'upgrade'."

Geordi:	"Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
	capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
	'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

Picard:	"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
	something we missed."

Data:	"Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.
	Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not
	sending in their registration cards.

Riker:	"Captain we have no choice.  Requesting permission to begin emergency
	escape sequence 3F ..."

Geordi, excited:
	"Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly
	dropped to 0%!"

Picard:	"Data, what do your scanners show?"

Data:	"Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module
	named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

Picard:	"Lets wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their
	functionality."

... Two Hours Pass ...

Riker:	"Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

Geordi:	"As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate
	for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
	successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep
	space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from
	something called the 'Microsoft Fun-Pack'.

Picard:	"How much time will that buy us?"

Data:	"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest
	time span of 6 more hours."

Geordi:	"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard:	"Identify."

Data:	"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo!"

Over the speakers:
	"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY.
	WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS
	SECTOR.  SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE.  YOU
	HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."

Data:	"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and 
	released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

Picard:	"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"

Riker:	"Good God captain!  Those are humans floating straight toward
	the Borg ship with no life support suits!  How can they 
	survive deep space?!"

Data:	"I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look
	closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
	recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather
	briefcases, and wearing Armani suits!"

Riker and Picard together horrified:
	"Lawyers!!"

Geordi:	"It can't be.  All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling
	into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data:	"True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker:	"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with
	pieces of paper."

Data:	"I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape' --
	it often proves fatal."

Riker:	"They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

Picard:	"Turn off the monitors.  I can't stand to watch, not even the
	Borg deserve that."

© 1994 Peter Langston