Fun_People Archive
28 Jun
Superlatives from the Pacific Northwest

Date: Tue, 28 Jun 94 11:41:08 PDT
To: Fun_People
Subject: Superlatives from the Pacific Northwest

Forwarded-by: <dante@microsoft.com>
Forwarded-by: Tsukina Laurel Lammers <laurell@microsoft.com>
Forwarded-by: Mark B. Johnson <mjohnson@Apple.com>

*** PRESS RELEASE -  AMAZING WINDOWS 4.0  ***

We are privileged this month to bring you our long overdue article on
Microsoft's groundbreaking Operating System, the incredible Windows 4.0.
Our exceptional journalistic standards demand that we preface this article
by a restatement of our policy concerning review of non-shipping products.
While our policy has always been that we would review no product that is
not actually shipping at the time of publication, WE HAVE CHANGED OUR
POLICY FOR THIS ISSUE ONLY.  Our policy for this issue is that we will
review any product that someone tells us might possibly be developed at any
time in the future.  After his issue, our policy will revert to what it was
prior to this issue until such time that Microsoft begins to again consider
their next edition of software and begins another high-visibility promotion
geared to discourage users from looking at the competition.

We put the wonderful Windows 4.0 operating system through our grueling
bench benchmark program which was magnanimously donated to PC Labs by
Microsoft Corporation.  Our test bed was the standard by platform used most
PC users--a Cray Supercomputer with 3 Gigabytes of RAM and a $9000 Windows
graphics accelerator card with 512 Megabytes of SRAM.  Our testing was made
more difficult by the fact that no actual code was available at the time of
the procedure.  We did have available, however, a screen shot of the
stupendous Windows 4.0 which we put through its paces.  Our staff was
speechless over how pretty the screen shot was. We also had the benefit of
the assistance of 12 Microsoft employees who provided invaluable input, and
also took us to lunch as well as provide us all with free copies of
MicroSoft Office.

The tremendous Windows 4.0 was a dream to install.  We didn't even have to
open the box!  All of our applications were immediately migrated into the
new OS, except the OS/2 applications.  They mysteriously disappeared.  We
were told that this is a bug in the way that OS/2 apps are written and that
this was IBM's problem.  The screen shot scored a respectable .000001
Winmarks on our testing platform. Microsoft officials assure us that
performance of the actual code promises to be even better.  The only
compatibility problem arose when OS/2 for Windows stubbornly refused to
load the screen shot.  Microsoft officials advise us that this was also
IBM's problem.

Microsoft officials told us that 4 Megabytes of RAM minimum would be needed
in the release version. However, they also said that they would recommend
32 Megabytes for typical usage.  Microsoft officials said, and we agree,
that all serious PC users will have 32 Megabytes of RAM on their systems by
the time Win 4.0 is released. Windows 4.0 is too sophisticated an OS for
those that refuse to keep up.

We were at first concerned with the reports of the apparent absence of
32-bit code contained in Windows 4.0.  However, the Microsoft officials
soon set us straight.  Due to Microsoft still having the patent pending for
the new technology, MS officials couldn't tell us how it worked, but told
us of a new Microsoft compression technology. It turns out that all of the
apparent 16-bit code present in Win 4.0 is actually 32-bit bit code that
has been compressed by Microsoft to look like it is only 16 bits.
Microsoft officials say that this is the wave of the future in 32-bit
computing.

In order for you to take advantage of the power of Win 4.0, Microsoft will
be releasing three new products. These products are Visual COBOL,Visual
Assembler and Visual Machine Language.  The Microsoft representatives gave
us a sneak peak of the Visual Machine Language product. Visual Machine
Language will contain the famous Microsoft App Wizard. At first the App
Wizard looked like it was only generating huge random streams of ones and
zeros. However, one representative assured us that this was not the case
and that MS had used it to write most of the Windows NT code.

In summary, we can state without any fear of being accused of hyperbole
that the most excellent Windows 4.0 is the greatest technological
breakthrough since the discovery of fire and the invention of the wheel
(neither of which, unfortunately, is patented by Microsoft..... yet).  The
God-like Windows 4.0 ranks right up there with the other accomplishments of
Microsoft, such as the graphical user interface,the mouse, memory
management and on-the-fly disk compression.

It is at this point that we should state PC Magazine's new policy with
regard to software patents, viz., We feel strongly that any software patent
not held by Microsoft is void and bad for the industry.

There will be a plethora of applications specifically written to take
advantage of the astounding Windows 4.0.  All major software developers are
expected to begin work on products immediately after reading this article.
Versions of WordPerfect and Lemmings for Win 4.0 should be shipping by the
time you read this.  If you cannot wait for your copy of the sexy Windows
4.0, we suggest you immediately go out and buy a copy of the highly
innovative MS-DOS 6.2. Follow that up with several copies of the award
winning Windows for Workgroups 3.11.  If you are still impatient, buy the
long awaited Windows NT, which is available in bulk quantity from your
local retailer at huge discounts. By that time, if the most esteemed
Windows 4.0 is still not shipping, buy a few more copies of Windows NT.

While we usually don't give awards to products that are not even in Alpha
release, we feel that we have no choice but to award our prestigious
ZIFF-DAVIS Editor's Choice to the awesome Microsoft Windows 4.0.  And even
though it is only April, we have also given it our ZIFF-DAVIS Year-End
Technical Excellence Award in ALL categories for the years 1994 through
1999. We expect an even better version of Windows in the year 2000. So,
what are you waiting for? *Note: All words (except "fire" and "wheel") and
all alphanumeric characters in this article are registered trademarks
of Microsoft.

© 1994 Peter Langston