Fun_People Archive
27 Jun
The Magazine for the Busy Academic

Date: Mon, 27 Jun 94 20:16:17 PDT
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Magazine for the Busy Academic

Forwarded-by: elshaw@MIT.EDU (Libby Shaw)
Forwarded-by: rcalhoun@MIT.EDU

(copious forwards deleted. Original authorship unclear.)

The Magazine for the Busy Academic

Volume 1  Number 1    June, 1992

A new journal devoted to those who do not have time to read it.
No articles - no commentary - no book reviews!
All sections can be read in less time than it takes to advise the
average undergraduate student.

Here are some of the topics and sections to appear in the first
issue:

The Legal Advisor:
        "Don't Publish - Don't Perish: Creative Litigation and
        Tenure"

The Art of the Conference:
        "Being a Discussant Without Reading the Papers"
          *Opening remarks for every session
                "These papers admirably demonstrate both the strengths
                 and weaknesses of the field today."
                "It is nice to see that some people can still get
                 interested in this topic."
          *10 French names that intimidate
          *10 all-purpose long summary sentences with no content
          *The art of academic flattery through easy key words
                "seminal, pathbreaking, essential, fundamental....."
        "The All-Purpose Abstract"
          *Just fill in five blanks and this abstract works in any
           discipline, for any conference.
          *Abstracts that describe any paper you later write
                Postmodern, Positivist, Critical, Feminist
        "When You Just can't write the Paper - Creative Withdrawls
         from the Program"

Easier Publishing:
        "Citation analysis : Journals in your discipline that are
         desperate for papers"
        "Ins and outs of repeat publishing - change that title!"
        "One paper - eight foreign Graduate students - eight
         translations - eight foreign publications - all in six
         months!"

The Tenure and Promotion File:
        "How to form or join a citation circle"
          *agreements that multiply your entries in the annual
           citation index by 10
        "Make a 1-page comment count the same as a book
        "Obscure journals that sound important
        "5 ways to get your book accepted without review"
        "Getting good letters from people who don't know you"

The Pro Forma Bookshelf
        "100 One-Line Current Book Summaries"
          *Allows you to freely cite pages, without buying or
           reading the book!
       *Easy-to remember critiques for conversation or class
       *Classified by discipline
       *Rated for political correctness by our panel
     "Boilerplate - A New Computer Program that Writes
         Half of your Monograph"
        "Classics in Your Discipline"
          *Survey reports how many of your colleagues have actually
           read the classics in your field.

Cooperation Column:
        Co-Authorship Exchange
        Have Data, Need Theory
        Have Theory, Need Data

Washington Buzzword Watch
        Regular updates from the Beltway Bandit
        What is Hot in NSF and NEH Panels this year
        Trends in Cross-Disciplinary Buzzword Transmission

Plus! These new columns to appear in the next issue
        Advising Timesavers
     Dissertation Defenses without Preparation

Advertisers
        Submission Services International
                We reformat and resubmit until you get accepted!
                Thousands of journals on our lists!
        Data Recycling Central
                Don't throw that old data away! We have buyers for
                good pre-owned data sets, lab notes and interview
                transcripts!

© 1994 Peter Langston