Fun_People Archive
8 Jun
So you want to be a science fiction magazine editor?

Date: Wed,  8 Jun 94 22:08:20 PDT
To: Fun_People
Subject: So you want to be a science fiction magazine editor?

Forwarded-by: <dante@microsoft.com>
Forwarded-by: Chris Nelder <chrisn@microsoft.com>
[Forwards embarassed for even having a part in this!!!!]

All true excerpts from the slushpile at
    "Isaac Asimov's Science Fiction Magazine."

                ***********

(Note: spelling, punctuation, and syntax are all as in the
original.)

Out of the dark void came what looked like a giant rabbit
followed by small rabbits which had looked as if they had
undergone a mutation with three ears and 2 tails.  They
discovered they were on Rabbitania.
--
Weston was known for the firm but genital hold he had on his
men.  It was one of the reasons he was chosen for this
mission over six other equally qualified men.
--
Freddy was in the habit of staring at Beverly's legs as they
peaked from her Susie Wong slit dresses.  She had a dozen of
them.
--
"Something must have happened, since it's not like her to
come back naked and not aware of anything."
--
The eyes of the braver animals ran down my neck and spine.
--
"Bastard!  I shall severe your soul."
--
The afternoon was very calm but consolidated.  The birds
were singing but were not blithesome.
--
He groped in his trousers and came up with a dirty piece of
trash which I thought he'd just throw away.
--
"Stand slow!" a voice rang out with hollow ubiquity.
--
When I thought of the poetics of such a confrontation in the
blackness of eternity, I laughed sardonically, in a dry
voice, to myself.
--
"Good morning, Anna, Lovely maid," Logo said in a soft voice
bowing slightly, "How nice to see your structured form again
today."
--
The two naked bodies, which were lying beneath the satin
sheets, were no longer the people whom everyone, who was
anyone, knew whenever reality was in existance.
--
"Oovil snetch," he growled in his mind.
--
My shouted words were lost in the damp chill, and my legs
were already beginning to bale out, filling my shoes
quickly.
--
The willowy king stood tehre with his usually sick
disposition.  From the faint light in the hallway, his
yellow glaring cat eyes pointed at him.
--
Kildo threw his waning arms around the large granite boulder.
--
Miles looked deep into those clear blue eyes who's debts
were infinite.
--
"Be good," he called after her as he bit back the tears in his eyes.
--
Sudenly, all the eyes in the room rose from their fixed
positions on the floor to stare at him.
--
Mona was on the liquilounge, her dark eyes pouring over him like warm
jello.
--
John wasn't at all surprised at the transformation of his
body into what he believed were light waves.
--
Fearless, as he was dumb, he walked over to the edge of the ship.
--
"Are the shields contoured to the ship" the computer asked
breathlessly.
--
The universe is a vast region of deep mystery steeped in
antiquity.
--
"Do you want to come over and have a gunfight?" I asked.
He seemed a bit loath to answer.
--
They were human in every way but they owned the necks,
heads, facial expressions were that of a chicken.
--
"Ejaculations aside, that's one hell of a package to
swallow!"
--
Of course, his eyes couldn't help but embrace the pool in
front of them.
--
Jake was not a man to show much emotion, but he found
himself supressing the urge to smile out loud.
--
Ashala's head felt like vermicelli slowly slipping off the
platter of her sholders.
--
A pool of surpressedd sweat started building under his
forehead.
--
Kincaid was an older man with sparse grey iron hair.
--
And he was damned attractive physically, too.  When she
looked at him she felt...unusual.
--
Instinctively, without thinking about it, he grabbed the
woman and hugged her and then gave her breasts a couple of
playful pinches.  "Commander please," she said as she
blushed and began yodeling.
--
Bucking and snorting like some psycholdelic bronco the man had
all he could do to keep his pecker from detaching from his
midsection and assuming an orbit some excessive distance from
the circumference of the planet.
--
He gazed at what appeared to be an invisable column coming from
an infinite distance.
--
Onion oil!  I couldn't imagine anyting worse than a daily
bath in onion oil.
--
He was tall, thin and bony, like a cadaver trying to remember
something, what was it?  oh yes!  I'm dead,
I shouldn't be walking around like this.
--
There would not be many more darknesses before Lyra became a
guardian, and if sheh was going to keep hes promises that
she would still boil boldy as a guardian, she might as well
practice.
--
Talan gestured at the controls.  "Overheating of the
glycgroms in the thermoperamulator.  You know how it is."
--
She is powdered, painted, and tearful, playing again one of
her greatest rolls.
--
The man spoke a foreign tonuge to them which they followed
with out question.
--
The faces of the children were tear stained and pained Zone
Paw to move on.
--
Are you going to go up t her and say, (you have to pardon me
I'm form another planet, Let's get together for a life
spand.)"  The dwarf came back strongly.  [all punctuation,
etc., *is* accurately transcribed.]
--
"Marry me my beautiful moonlight Luna to this sun-born,
non-stop make and viola!"
--
It seems occasionally events occur which had they not
happened no one would imagine they could.
--
It ws a planet spinning around Proxima Centauri,
an Earth like planet covered with an average of two
miles of water.
--
On Nov. 29, 2083 the object wold hit.  It's antimatter would
interact with ordinary matter on Earth and there would be an
explosion with the incredible force of 1000 megatons.  New
York City is doomed!
--
"Corporeal, we've got to do our best to keep this from the
public."
"I know sir, but its already too late."
What do you mean, the general inquired?
"While you were gone I let a curious private in
on the secret."
"We've got to stop him."
By now he's long gone.  Sorry sir."
"Oh no."
--
He saw the cute way her curly hair floated on her head.
--
Kree's voice grabbed my heart from behind.
--
A large serf of joy rode under Lisa's face.
--
Sublimely, this time, and just by feel, light was even
dimmer inside the war machine than merely beneath the
overhang that had been gutted out for it
keeping its resplendency restrained.
--
Despite the different meanings conjured up in each other's
head when the other spoke he knew that in this instance his
image was hers.
--
Then his head, which supported his bushy brown hair, turned
to look at his sister.
--
It was kind of bazaar for him to see his sister holding the
arm of a semi-automatic machine gun.
--
Most people who have seen Dr. Robinson describes him as a
strange looking man with coal black hare and a a coal black
mustache.
--
I caress her cheek.  She shutters.
--
He whetted his lips.

© 1994 Peter Langston