Fun_People Archive
6 Jun
Skinhead Hamlet

Date: Mon,  6 Jun 94 16:11:18 PDT
To: Fun_People
Subject: Skinhead Hamlet

Forwarded-by: <dante@microsoft.com>
Forwarded-by: Jason White <jasondw@u.washington.edu>

Here is the Bard's most thoughtful and tragic work, rendered in Skinhead speak.
<<Forwards Deleted--and there are a lot of them>>
============================================================================


  The skinhead Hamlet

  Act I Scene I
  :The battlements of Elsinore Castle:
  :enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST:
  GHOST:  Oi! Mush!
  HAMLET: Yer?
  GHOST:  I was fucked!
      (exit GHOST)
  HAMLET:  O fuck.
      (exit HAMLET)
      Scene II
  : The Throneroom:
  : Enter KING,CLAUDIUS,GERTRUDE,HAMLET and COURT:
  CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet, give over!
  HAMLET:   Fuck off, won't you?
      (Exit CLAUDIUS,GERTRUDE,COURT)
  HAMLET( alone):They could have fucking waited.
      (Enter HORATIO)
  HAMLET:   Weeeeny!
      Scene III
  :Ophelia's bedroom:
  :Enter OPHELIA and LAERTES:
  LAERTES:  I'm fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't
      slip you one while I'm gone.
  OPHELIA: I'll be fucked if he does.
      (Exeunt)
      Scene IV
  :The Battlements:
  : Enter HORATIO,HAMLET, and GHOST:
  GHOST:Oi! Mush, get on with it!
  HAMLET: Who did it then?
  GHOST: That wanker Claudius. He poured fuckin poison
      in my ear!
      (Exeunt)
  Act II Scene I
  :A corridor in the castle:
  :Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS:
  POLON: Oi! You!
  HAMLET: Fuck off, grandad!
      (Exit POLON. Enter ROZENCRANTZ and
       GUILDENSTERN)
  ROS & GU: Oi! Oi! Mucca!
  HAMLET: Fuck off, the pair of you!
      (Exit ROS & GU)
  HAMLET: To fuck or be fucked.
      (Enter Ophelia)
  OPHELIA: My lord!
  HAMLET: Fuck off to a nunnery!
      (They exit in different directions)
  Act III Scene I
  :The Throneroom:
  :Enter PLAYERS and all COURT:
  1 PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart....
  CLAUDIUS: I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this
      crap.
      (Exeunt)
      Scene II
  :Gertrudes Bedchamber:
  :Enter HAMLET, to GERTRUDE:
  HAMLET: Oi! Slag!
  GERTRUDE: Watch your fucking mouth, kid!
  POLON: (From behind curtain) Too right.
  HAMLET: Who the fuck was that?
      (He stabbs POLON through the arass)
  POLON: Fuck!
  HAMLET: Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker.
      (Exeunt)
  Act IV Scene I
  :A Court Room:
  :Enter CLAUDIUS and HAMLET:
  CLAUDIUS: Fuck off to England then!
  HAMLET: Delighted, mush.
      Scene II
  :The Throneroom:
  :Enter OPHELIA,GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS:
  OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this.
      (She hands GERTRUDE some rosemary and exits)
  CLAUDIUS: She's fucking round the twist, isn't she?
  GERTRUDE: (Looking out the window)
      There is a willow grows aslant in the brook.
  CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag.
  GERTRUDE: Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned!
  CLAUDIUS: Fuck! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.
      (Exeunt)
      Scene III
  : A Corridor:
  LAERTES: (Alone) I'm going to fucking do this lot.
      (Enter CLAUDIUS)
  CLAUDIUS: I didn't fucking do it, mate. It was that
      wanker Hamlet.
  LAERTES: Well, fuck him.
  Act V Scene I
  :Hamlet's Bedchamber:
  :HAMLET and HORATIO seated:
  HAMLET: I got this feeling I'm going to cop it,
      Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a
      flying fuck.
              (Exeunt)
      Scene II
  :Large Hall:
  :Enter HAMLET,LAERTES,COURT,GERTRUDE,CLAUDIUS:
  LAERTES: Oi, wanker, let's get on with it.
  HAMLET: Delighted, fuckface.
      (They fight and are both poisoned by the poisoned sword)
  LAERTES: Fuck!
  HAMLET: Fuck!
      (The queen drinks)
  GERTRUDE: Fucking odd wine!
  CLAUDIUS: You drank the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow!
  HAMLET:  (Pouring the poison down CLAUDIUS' throat)
      Well, fuck you!
  CLAUDIUS: I'm fair and squarely fucked.
  LAERTES: Oi,  mush, no hard feeling, eh?
  HAMLET: Yer.
      (LAERTES dies)
  HAMLET: Oi! Horatio!
  HORATIO: Yer?
  HAMLET: I'm fucked. The rest is fucking silence.
      (HAMLET dies)
  HORATIO: Fuck, that was no ordinary wanker, you know.
      (Enter FORTINBRAS)
  FORTIN: What the fuck's going on here?
  HORATIO: A fuckin mess, that's for sure.
  FORTIN: No kiddin. I see Hamlet's fucked.
  HORATIO: Yer.
  FORTIN: Fuckin shame.  Fuckin good bloke.
  HORATIO: Too fuckin right.
  FORTIN:  Fuck this for a lark then. Let's piss off.
      (Exeunt with alarums)

© 1994 Peter Langston